


Objections

by edupunkn00b



Series: Logan, Janus, Roman, Remus [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Creativitwins, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/M, Gen, Homophobia, Janus likes to swear, M/M, Platonic Loceit, Roceit - Freeform, Slow Burn, Swearing, and occassional fluffy scenes, himbros, i swear to logic there is eventual comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:20:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29683173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edupunkn00b/pseuds/edupunkn00b
Summary: It's 2001, Seattle, Washington.Janus Pater has fought every obstacle - literally and figuratively - to survive as long as he has. Logan  Croft is a young father and is married to his old college girlfriend, Kelly. Their law professor's flippant partner assignment has forced these two disparately orbiting men together.Roman and Remus Prince are sophomores at the associated undergraduate college. To their fellow students, they're identical, however they approach life and solve their problems inverydifferent ways.Somehow,(most of)their paths cross in one way or another. Buckle up, because it's a bumpy ride.Playlist for this story is on Spotify.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Logan, Janus, Roman, Remus [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184312
Comments: 140
Kudos: 55





	1. Assumes Facts Not in Evidence - Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some chapters with additional significant content warnings will be marked as such at the beginning and include a summary in the end notes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: redacted slur, swearing
> 
> There's just swearing everywhere. Janus likes to swear. A lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  For more information on objections used in court:   
>  **
> 
>   * [Common trial objections](https://cdn.ymaws.com/www.ksbar.org/resource/resmgr/mocktrial/objections_and_processes.pdf)
>   * [Full details](https://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1321&context=plr)
> 


Janus walked into the classroom ten minutes early so that he could be certain to be able to claim his preferred seat in the front row. To his surprise and annoyance, there was already a student sitting in _his_ seat. Janus looked him up and down. He was dressed like a walking Lands End catalog wearing too much hair product. Cargo khakis with a pressed seam down the center of the leg, a polo shirt, square black plastic eyeglass frames, and a wide-banded wristwatch. _It's 2001. Who the fuck still wears a wristwatch? Doesn't this dude have a cell phone?_

While Janus silently pondered his options, another student started through the doorway. Janus quickly selected the seat across the aisle from Wristwatch Guy and settled in.

A few minutes later, the professor hurried through the door, addressing the class before he was even completely inside the classroom. "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Constitutional Law 168. This class is not a spectator sport. You will come prepared to discuss our readings and defend your positions. This class is required for all first year law students. You fail and I'll see you again next year. " He looked up at the students. "Starting in the front row," he pointed at the seat on the left-hand edge of Janus' row, "you will be paired with your presentation partner for the year." The professor turned and began writing out case names on the board. "Take a moment now to exchange information and then we'll begin."

Janus turned to count the students in his row and closed his eyes. _Fuck._

Wristwatch Guy reached across the aisle toward Janus, hand outstretched. "Hello, my name is Logan Croft. It is a pleasure to meet you."

Janus sighs. "Janus Pater. _Pleasure_." He braced himself for the inevitable cheap shot at his name.

Logan tilted his head - _Here it comes_ \- and asked, "As in the Roman god?" Janus' eyes shot up, narrowing slightly as he looked at the bespectacled man in front of him. "Not bad, Wristwatch. Not bad." Logan opened his mouth to respond when the professor resumed the lecture. Logan turned back to face the front of the room, a small frown etched on his face.

...

Janus and Logan stayed in the classroom after the lecture to exchange telephone numbers and schedule a first project session. Janus pulled out a business card and handed it to Logan.

"Is that a pride flag?" Logan asked, eyeing the tattoo peeking out from under Janus' jacket sleeve.

Janus looked up quickly, edging back, ready for an attack. "Yes, it is. Don't worry, though, _homosexuality_ isn't contagious."

Logan stutters, "That is not what I meant - I ... I ...," he closed his mouth for a beat and tried again. "Would it be reasonable for me to assume, then that you are ... "

"What, _gay_? Do you have a problem with gay men, Croft?"

Logan cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses, "No, of course not. Your life choices are none of my business. What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is none of my concern."

" _'None of your concern?'_ " Janus stared daggers through the preppy-looking man sitting in front of him. "My life isn't some legal theory to debate or libertarian principle for you to support and then pat yourself on the back. The way our _society_ treats the LGBTQ community is a matter of literal life and death for us."

Logan is shaken. "I ... I apologize. I didn't intend to offend you."

Janus pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. _Of all the students in that classroom ... I get stuck with Mr. 'Not That There's Anything Wrong With That'_

"Listen, _Croft_ , you seem like you _think_ you're a decent guy, so here's your one and only free lesson in _How Not to Be a Dick 101._ " Janus scowled at Logan but leaned in close and locked his eyes on Logan's. " _Impact_ matters more than _intent_." Logan paled but listened. "Just because you didn't _intend_ to dismiss me like you think I'm just some ***, doesn't mean you - ," Janus choked back his first thought, _doesn't mean you didn't hurt me_. "Doesn't mean that wasn't your _impact._ "

Logan is stunned silent for a few moments and then he nodded once, adjusting his glasses. "I am genuinely sorry to have hurt you," he finally said in quiet voice. "Perhaps we can schedule a session later today." He pocketed Janus' card, picked up his bag and quickly retreated from the classroom.

Janus watched him go, wondering if this guy was actually any different. He shrugs. _Probably not_.


	2. Assumes Facts Not in Evidence - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a difficult chapter. The end notes have a summary of the plot points in this chapter if you would rather skip this and move on to Part 3.
> 
> CW: street harassment, brief graphic descriptions of violence without gore, homophobic language, street attack, shouting, drunkenness, mentions of a gun, blood, toxic relationship, implied self-harm in the past, implied history of previous serious attacks

Janus was pissed.

He had spent all night at a friend's boring birthday party, waiting for his ride to be ready to leave only to end the night walking home alone down Broadway because his so-called friend decided to hook up with some obnoxious undergrad. It was late and Janus was tired and he still had hours of reading ahead of him before tomorrow's classes. At least he was only a couple of blocks away. _Fucking Jack. Fucking Jack's hookup._ Janus chuckled darkly. _Jack's hookup is fucking Jack, too._

That's when Janus noticed the knot of three men standing in the middle of the sidewalk half-way up the block. Three _drunk_ men. "Shit." Janus muttered under his breath. Eyes darting to the left, Janus decided to cross the street as though that was his final destination. He'd noticed that the sidewalk was narrower on that side of the street, which, worse comes to worse, he knew how to use to his advantage.

"Hey, pretty lady, where are you off to?," one of them slurred from several yards away. _You didn't hear that, just keep walking, big and tall._ "Hey, b****, don't walk away from me!" The man and his friends staggered closer to Janus.

"Fucking drunks." he muttered again. Janus was not looking forward to the moment when the drunk discovered that the tall, striking woman he thought he was catcalling was a slim man who simply knew how to walk without dragging his knuckles. The drunk's friends suddenly started laughing, and he could hear " ... a guy! ..." _And there it is._

The three men were suddenly just over an arm's length away, blocking Janus' path. "Good evening, gentlemen. If you would excuse me, please, I need to get through." If he acted like he hadn't even heard them earlier, perhaps this can end without any hurt feelings. Or their broken limbs. And at this point, Janus wasn't sure which one he preferred.

There were several tense moments as the three drunks stared at Janus, almost as though they were trying to decide if his lack of fear was justified or foolhardy. Janus stood very still, only his eyes moving as he selected pressure points for each man. The tension broke when one of the drunks shoved his friend into Janus. "Well, go on, then, give him a kiss ... "

Janus reacted quickly, side-stepping before impact, allowing the man to hit the street hard on his way down. Before anyone else could move, Janus grabbed the closest man's arm, yanked down, and pushed the heel of his hand into the man's nose. Janus heard a _crunch_ on impact. The third man broke into a run back into the bar. Janus decided not to stick around and started to run for the end of the block where he could change direction or, if he had to, hide until they lost interest or blacked out.

Moments before Janus could get to the corner, however, five drunks came pouring out of the bar, running toward him, shouting. "Fuck." Janus muttered, turning to face them, chin down, hands in fists held up and ready. "It takes five of you for one of me? _Manly_." Janus ducked when the first threw a punch. He had two more on the ground when one of the guys struck him against the side of the head and he fell to his hands and knees. The drunks cheered when Janus hit the sidewalk. _Get up get up get up get up get up -  
_

The first man he'd knocked down was back up on his feet, and he kicked Janus _hard_ in the ribs. _Get up get up get up get up get up get up -_

Another man kicked Janus in the head and he felt the world start to spin. _Get up get up get -_

He can't get up.

Janus curls himself into a ball, crossing his arms over his head. They'll have to tire eventually.

They always do.

...

It was late and Logan was particularly drained that night. They were only about a month and a half into the school year and he was already feeling the strain of full time classes plus full time shifts as a security guard. He knew he could manage - he simply needed a bit more time to adjust.

He was about to turn the corner onto Broadway when he heard raucous shouting. He checked his watch - 2:36 AM. Far too late for anything good. Logan looked around the edge of the building and spotted a group of staggering men in a rough circle, "Oh my god, that's someone on the ground ..." Without thinking, Logan grabbed his revolver from its holster and held it up, shouting, **"Everybody halt NOW!"**

The men froze at the commanding tone. Seeing the weapon, their mob-driven bravery suddenly dissolved and they scattered.

Keeping the gun pointed down, Logan ran to the figure he saw curled in a ball on the sidewalk. Their arms were crossed over their head, balled in tight fists. Under the dim streetlights, Logan could see blood on their hands, and arms, and back where their shirt had started to ride up. He reached out to touch their shoulder and they flinched back. "Hey, hey, hey, I am not going to harm you." Logan whispered. "I want to help you. Can I help you get up? Those guys are gone." They wouldn't move. "Please, you are bleeding ... can you hear me?"

Logan saw their fists start to loosen and they slowly moved their arms away from their head. Logan swallowed hard. There was a lot of blood. He looked around the now-empty street and holstered his gun. "Please, can you stand? We need to get you off the street and into the light where I can better assess your injuries. You may need to go to the hospital." He wasn't sure if it was his constant stream of words or they'd simply had enough time to recover from the fear of their attack, but they slowly started to move to their feet, brushing away Logan's attempts to help them up.

They stood with their back to Logan, "I am fine. Thank you for the rescue, but I'm nearly home."

Logan's eyes widened in horror at the familiar voice. "J - Janus?"

Janus considered lying. He recognized Logan from the panicked babbling and wanted to avoid the scene he could feel building. But if the blood he could feel dripping from his face and scalp were any indication, he would be walking around with the proof of this night etched on his face for a while to come. The man was ignorant but he wasn't _stupid_. He sighed, the movement triggering sharp pains in his side. "Yes, Wristwatch. It's me." Janus tried to swallow. "Like I said, thank you for the rescue. Good night."

Logan reached out for his arm to prevent him from walking away and Janus practically hissed. "Janus, you are injured. I can help you." He gestured to the building entrance a few feet from where they stood. "I live right here. Come upstairs, we can get you cleaned up and see if you need stitches or anything else." Janus didn't move. "Please," Logan tried one more time.

Janus looked ahead at the two blocks between him and his own apartment. He looked back at Logan, wincing, and sighed in surrender. " _Fine._ " He pierced Logan with his eyes. " _No_ hospital." Janus moved carefully. He would use his last shred of control to ensure he would _not_ limp and look weak in front of the other man. Logan reached for his arm as though to help him walk, but Janus stared at his hand until he lowered it back to his own side. "I can walk on my own, _thanks."_ Logan nodded and pointed toward the entrance to his apartment building. Janus made his way to the doors, Logan walking slowly beside him.

...

Thankfully, the elevator was working. Janus didn't even want to think about what it would do to him to climb stairs right now. Once the elevator doors opened, Logan held one arm out to prevent to doors from closing and gestured for Janus to go through first. Janus grimaced but breathed out a " _Thanks."_

Logan nodded and spoke softly, "It's apartment 3C to the left." The two men slowly made their way to the door as Logan carefully retrieved his keys from his pocket. Just as Logan raised the first key to insert in to the lock, he murmured to Janus. "We'll need to keep our voices low. My wife and son are ordinarily asleep at this hour." A small jolt of surprise broke through the haze of pain through which Janus was now struggling. _Wristwatch is married with a kid?!_

Logan turned on a hallway light and pointed toward a doorway. "The kitchen is through there. I just need to secure these ... " he gestured to his holster and equipment belt.

Janus slowly moved to the kitchen and had just sunk down onto a stool when he heard a door creak and a woman's harsh whisper from the hall. "Logan! Where have you been? How could you worry me like this? You should have gotten home a half hour ago! Do you have any idea how late it is?"

He heard Logan's softer voice but couldn't make out everything he was saying. " ... classmate ... were attacking him ... he's hurt ... "

"So there's a man bleeding all over the place in my kitchen now?!" Her voice was far above a whisper now.

"Kelly, please ... will be alright ... " Logan's answering words remained too quiet to clearly hear.

"I just wish you cared half as much about me as do about strangers you find in the street." Her - _Kelly's,_ Janus presumed - voice cracked. He heard more soothing sounds coming from the hallway. The honeyed tones were nearly enough to make Janus sick.

"Fine! I'm going back to bed." Footsteps retreated. "Have fun playing Nurse Nightingale, Logan." Janus heard a door not-quite-slam shut. In the relative quiet after the echo of the door, Janus could hear Logan take several deep breaths before quietly entering the kitchen. He adjusted his glasses and looked at Janus in the bright light of the kitchen. Janus tried not to notice that the man visibly paled at what he saw.

Logan took a deep breath, brow furrowed slightly and said quietly, "First things first." He reached up to a high cabinet and pulled out a first aid kit and then made his way to the sink. Janus sat to one side of the sink, carefully leaning against the counter for balance. Janus watched as Logan prepared to scrub his hands - _Boy Scout_ \- rolling up his sleeves and pausing for just a moment before removing his watch. As he placed the watch in a little empty dish that appeared placed next to the sink for that purpose, Janus caught sight of a set of angry red scars running across his wrist that had been previously hidden by the wide watch band. Janus' eyes widened as he involuntarily looked up at Logan and briefly met his eyes. Logan's eyes were bright with fear and he quickly looked away, focusing on turning on the water and beginning to wash.

Janus reeled. _What the hell?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  Summary   
>  **   
>  _Gun mention, non-graphic description of an attack_
> 
> One night while coming home from a friend's birthday party, Janus is harassed and attacked by three drunks leaving last call from a bar. Because of similar incidents in the past, Janus is skilled at self-defense and fights back, injuring at least two of them. The attackers call out more from a nearby bar to join the ~~fight~~ attack until it is an un-winnable five-to-one. Janus is hurt badly.
> 
> Logan happens upon the scene on his way home after his night shift as a security guard. He sees them attacking someone - he can't see who yet - and he scares them off with a gun.
> 
> Janus is dismayed that it was "Wristwatch" who scared off the attackers and agrees to go with him to his apartment so that he can assess and treat his injuries. Janus hears but does not meet an angry Kelly, Logan's wife. While Logan is washing his hands before completing first aid, Janus also sees that Logan has a set of fairly fresh scars hiding under the band of the wristwatch Janus has previously mocked.


	3. Assumes Facts Not in Evidence - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of blood and injuries, hospital setting
> 
> This chapter begins immediately after Chapter 2 ends.

Logan finished washing his hands and replaced the wristwatch without meeting Janus' eyes. He opened the first aid kit and looked inside, asking, "Would you feel more comfortable if I wore gloves?"

Janus' skin crawled at the thought of someone he barely knew touching his bare skin right now. _Anything to make this less personal, please. "_Yes ... actually it would."

Logan nodded and put on the gloves, then pulled out a box of antiseptic wipes. He looked at Janus. "You have a lot of blood around your wounds. May I clean them so we can assess the severity?" Janus nodded. Logan started gently cleaning away the blood from Janus' face, neck, and arms. "I can see a contusion on the side of your head. May I check the swelling? It will likely be ... uncomfortable."

"Do what you need," Janus muttered, focusing on his breathing. The pain in his head _was_ getting worse, and his ribs hurt when he breathed. Logan prodded gently and Janus winced. "I am sorry," he rested a hand briefly on his shoulder, concerned eyes seeking out Janus'. "Are you alright? May I continue?"

Janus swallowed and breathed again. "Yes. Go ahead."

Logan resumed his prodding. He tsked under his breath. "There's quite a bit of swelling here. Icing may help reduce both the swelling and pain. Would you like an ice pack?"

The throbbing in Janus' head was getting steadily worse. _Anything that might help this pain._ "You're the doc."

Logan narrowed his eyes, "While I am trained as an emergency first responder, I am not, in fact, a doctor." Janus couldn't be sure, but he thought he saw the ghost of a smirk on Logan's face while he pulled out an instant ice pack, squeezed, and wrapped it in a towel. He placed the ice pack against Janus' head.

Janus was overly aware of how closely Logan was standing, far to close for a virtual stranger. It appeared that Logan was similarly uncomfortable. After a few minutes, Logan spoke again. "I would like to take a closer look at some of these cuts. Would you like to hold the ice pack?"

"Yes, thanks." Janus' voice sounded pained and was nearly a hiss through gritted teeth. Logan guided his hand up to the pack and moved back a bit to better inspect the largest wounds on Janus' face and arms.

"If you truly wish to avoid a hospital, I think we can close these deeper cuts with butterfly strips," Logan's brow smoothed slightly. "Or would you prefer an evaluation for stitches? It is ... usually recommended for facial lacerations like these."

Janus clenched his teeth. _In other words you're going to scar like a motherfucker, Janus, if you don't go to the hospital._ "Butterfly bandages are more than fine."

Logan nodded slowly, stepping closer to the first aid kit to select the bandages.

As soon as Logan moved, Janus stiffened. _Am I seeing things?_ "I ... believe there is a child behind you."

Logan whipped around, and Janus saw the man's entire body relax when he saw what was behind him. Logan pulled off the gloves and smiled gently, kneeling down. "Remy, buddy ... what are you doing up?"

Remy was small, Janus guessed about two or three years old. He looked like a miniature version of the man crouching in front of him. He was wearing pajamas with little cartoon paw prints, holding a small blue stuffed dog. In response to Logan's question, he held up the toy. "Oh ..., " Logan quietly intoned, nodding slowly. "Blue woke up?"

The little boy nodded back, equally solemnly, and held up three fingers, tapping them to the front of his chin. "Blue's thirsty," he whispered. Remy's eyes darted over to Janus and back to Logan.

Logan swallowed, gesturing toward Janus. "Remy, this is my," he paused as he adjusted his glasses, "friend, Mr. Janus." He turned. "Janus ... this is my son, Remy."

Janus isn't sure what to say. He doesn't know anyone else their age with ... offspring. He manages a weak "Hello."

Remy looks closely at Janus, then turns his face up to his father. "Ow" he says at last, pressing his index fingers together near his face, looking at Logan.

Logan nodded, "Yes, Mr. Janus is hurt. I was helping him. How about I get y-, rather, _Blue_ a cup of water, and then you can both go back to bed so I can help Mr. Janus feel better?"

Remy nodded quietly, eyes rarely leaving Janus' face. Logan worked quickly, washing his hands again, retrieving a cup and filling it with water from a filtered pitcher. He tightened the lid of the sippy cup, then shook the cup upside down to test the leak-proof seal.

He took Remy's hand, whispered a quick "I'll be right back," to Janus, and led Remy back to bed. Janus could not believe his eyes. The difference in tone and demeanor that Logan displayed when speaking with his son was stark.

As promised, Logan returned momentarily, put on a fresh pair of gloves and opened a butterfly bandage, preparing to start to address the long cut on Janus' face. Logan started applying the bandages. Janus was confused by part of Logan's interaction with his son, trying to define what had so unnerved him. "You ... you talk to him ...," Janus struggled to find the words. "You don't baby talk with him."

Logan adjusted his glasses, "No. No, I do not." He took a breath as though he had more to say. Janus could feel the young father's eyes assessing him. Finally, he spoke again. "Based on the best available research, young children do not actually benefit from the forced third-person speech patterns common in 'baby talk'. Modeling the proper use of pronouns has been shown to improve and accelerate the acquisition of speech."

"Having a walking thesaurus for a dad probably doesn't hurt either," Janus chuckled, wincing. Logan pinched his lips together and focused on the latest bandage he was applying to his face. "How old is he, three?"

"Remy will be two this May."

 _Hm. That's not what I remember barely two-year olds talking like._ There was one more thing Janus wondered about. Talking about anything other than his injuries was a welcome distraction. "Not to be rude, but is Remy hard of hearing?," Janus asked at last.

Logan cleared his throat, reaching for yet another butterfly strip. "No, I - _we_ taught him some basic signs when he was a baby. Some interesting new research has indicated it may reduce tantrums and emotional distress because it provides an alternative tool for small children to communicate their needs."

Janus still felt confused. "Were you early childhood ed before pre-law?"

"No." He seemed understand the unspoken question on Janus' mind - _Why were you researching niche language development theories if it wasn't your field of study? -_ Logan continued, placing another bandage. "I ... when Kelly told me she was - _we_ were expecting, I ...," Logan shrugged a bit. "I wanted to be prepared."

Janus grimaced, "That's so endearing it's nearly nauseating." He swallowed. "No, actually nauseating."

"Nausea can be a symptom of a serious concussion." Logan looked at him with renewed concern, reaching toward but not actually touching his shoulder. "Are you feeling nauseated right now?"

"Say that word again and we just might find out," Janus hissed before pressing his lips tightly together, looking down at the floor.

Logan looked into his eyes. Janus felt like he was under a microscope. And the microscope didn't like what it saw. "Janus, you need to be examined in a hospital." Logan waited for Janus to respond. At his continued silence, he continued. "Please allow me take you. We're less than a mile from Harborview."

"What about _the wife_? She - ," Janus paused, swallowing hard. "She didn't sound overly _pleased_ with my presence here tonight." Logan's mouth tightened and his brow furrowed as his eyes were drawn to the hallway.

"It will be fine." Logan checked the time on his watch, pressing his lips together. Logan pulled off his gloves and retrieved a notepad and a pen from a small drawer. He wrote a few sentences, pinned it to a calendar board on the wall and then returned the notepad and pen to their home. Logan wrapped gauze around Janus' arms, covering the wounds there. Logan plucked a handful of gauze pads and another sealed gauze roll from the kit and stuffed his pockets with them. He turned to Janus, "Do you require assistance standing?"

Janus shook his head, starting to rise, before abruptly sitting back down as the room started to spin. _Fuck._ He stared at the floor and reached one hand out to Logan. Without a word, Logan moved closer, extending his arm, bent at the elbow. Janus took his arm and they made their way to the door together.

...

After a silent drive to the hospital, Janus and Logan were seated in the Harborview Hospital ER waiting room. The admitting nurse had handed Janus a clipboard of forms. He held a pen in shaking hands, and squinted at the top sheet. He could feel Logan's eyes on him. Finally, he closed his eyes and sighed shakily. "Croft, stop staring at me." Logan quickly looked to the floor. Janus sat, staring at the forms for another moment before silently passing the clipboard to Logan. "It's P - a - t - e - r." Logan looked up at Janus, nodded once, and began completing the form.

"Address?," Logan asked. Gritting his teeth against another wave of nausea and the deepening ache in his head, Janus pulled his wallet out of his pocket and gave it to Logan. "My license ... ," His voice trailed off as the room went dark.

...

Janus awoke to a steady beeping sound. Before he actually opened his eyes, he could feel light pressing against the lids. He could hear the rhythm of the beeping increase as he realized that the light was sunlight. Janus finally opened his eyes, squinting against the light. He looked around, trying to figure out where he was. He looked at the ceiling made of stark white popcorn tiles. His eyes fell down to his own arms, bandaged and connected to tubes and wires - _Fuck, I'm in a hospital. Gotta get out of here._ He tried to sit up, and the frequency of the beeping increased rapidly. Foggily, Janus realized the sound was from a heart rate monitor.

He was in the middle of pulling off the pulse oximeter and trying to disentangle himself from a thin tube blowing weird-smelling air at his nose when a doctor entered the room. She tutted at him, raising both eyebrows. "Going somewhere, Mr. Pater?"

"I assure you, I feel fine. I would like to leave. I only came here for a concussion."

The doctor laughed gently. "And it's a good thing you came in when you did. I'm Dr. Appel. I was on last night when you came in." She replaced the pulse oximeter on his index finger, and moved the oxygen back into place, tucking the tube behind his ears. "You know you passed out in the waiting room, right?" Janus froze. _That would explain why I don't know how I ended up here._ "You have multiple contusions, lacerations, and abrasions on your arms, face, back and head. You will likely have some scaring, particularly on your face."

Janus rolled his eyes. "I've had worse."

She fixed him with a stare before continuing. "You _have_ worse." She checked the flow on his IV, and then pulled out a pen light, shining it in Janus' eyes as she spoke. "I wasn't finished. You also have two cracked ribs and, the pièce de résistance, a linear skull fracture." She turned off the pen light and clipped it to her white coat. "You are a very lucky young man."

Janus raised an eyebrow and waved his hands at this surroundings and himself. "Lucky?"

The doctor pulled over a wheeled, high stool. "You're lucky you got here when you did. You presented with inter-cranial swelling from the skull fracture." She gestured up to the IV. "The medicine is working to reduce that." She looked at him sternly. "I've seen what happens when tough guys try to just 'sleep off' these kinds of injuries." She shook her head. "It doesn't end well. You're lucky to have gotten here when you did."

She stood, making some notes on the chart at the foot of his bed. "Your friend left this morning once you were moved to a room. He left a note for you." She fixed Janus with one last stare. "I hope you decide to stay with us a little while longer."

Janus was silent, but didn't try to get up, either. _Yes, this might be the worst he's gotten, at least since ..._ He shook the thought from his head and immediately regretted it. He laid back against the pillows for a few minutes before sitting up again and reached for Logan's note.

> Janus,
> 
> I will return after class.
> 
> -Logan

Janus stared at the note for a while, a vague sense of disappointment churning in his chest. _What did I think it was going to say? What did I want it to say?_ With an irritated sigh, he tossed the note back on to the side table and tried to rest.

...

Janus awoke to a sudden sound. His eyes shot open and he sucked in air with a gasp, triggering a sharp pain in his side. He looked around the room, trying to identify the source of the sound. Standing at the door was a stricken-looking Logan. "My apologies. I - I did not expect the door to be loud enough to wake you."

"It's fine, Wri - Croft." Logan merely stood in the doorway. _Maybe he's secretly a vampire, recently turned, and needs to be formally invited in. It might explain the scars._ Janus suspected there was pain medication in his IV drip. "Please come in."

Logan approached Janus' bed and stood awkwardly, eyes taking in the IV and the numbers on the monitor before finally looking at his own hands clasped in front of him. Janus' eyes are drawn to Logan's watch, thinking about the scars he saw there last night. Logan looked up at Janus and noticed what was drawing the injured man's attention.

"Are you feeling any better than last night?" Logan's words come slowly.

"Yes, quite." Janus eyed the IV bag. "I suspect there's something nice in here that's helping." More silence. _Is this the same guy who soliloquized for twenty minutes on "language acquisition' last night?_

Logan swallowed and adjusted his glasses before seeking out Janus' eyes. "Is there ... anyone at all I can call for you? To let them know you ... to let them know you are here?"

Janus' jaw clenched. "No. There's no-one to call." _No-one who I'd want to see me like this._

"Not even family ... ," Logan's voice trailed off as he seemed to carefully select his next words, "I know family can be ... difficult. But major injuries sometimes make people see - ,"

"There's no-one."

Logan swallowed, nodding. They were silent a long, long time. "I should - I should probably let you rest now." Logan looked down at his hands. "Would it be alright with you if I returned tomorrow to see how you are doing?"

Janus nodded, looking around the room. _Beats being completely alone in these four walls._

Logan looked around the spartan room, following Janus' gaze. "Is there anything I can bring you?"

He considers. "A book, perhaps." _As long as he's offering ..._

"I would be happy to." Janus couldn't help but notice how the man's face lit up. "Until then, perhaps I have something that might provide a ... distraction this afternoon." Logan opened his bag and pulled out a stack of books. Janus looks at the stack with curiosity. One of the titles surprises him.

"You're reading _Baldwin?"_

Logan blinked, holding the copy of [Giovanni's Room](https://bookshop.org/books/giovanni-s-room-9780792796107/9780345806567) that he had recently checked out. He cleared his throat, and looked nervous, staring down at the book in his hands. "Well, yes. I ... I wanted to remedy ... If only the first lesson is free ...," The rest of his sentence never emerged. Janus narrowed his eyes but nodded. Logan looked through the remaining books. "I have a copy of the new Brian Greene." He finally met Janus' eyes. "Would you like to borrow it until I can bring you something else?"

Janus reached for the book and swallowed, looking up at Logan's eyes, searching for ... anything that might explain his behavior. _What's his angle?_ He could see nothing but the small smile and concerned eyes. Janus opened his mouth and then closed it again. He nodded tightly. Logan's smile grew almost imperceptibly. Janus shifted uncomfortably in the bed. "This ... this will do nicely. I ... ," He frowns. _What do I say to this?_

Immediately, Logan is apologizing. "Oh, I am sorry. I am preventing you from resting. I will return tomorrow, if you ...," Logan's brow furrowed. "If that is alright with you, I would still like to return tomorrow to see how you're doing." Janus nodded. "I hope you are able to rest. See you tomorrow, Janus."

Logan turned to leave and Janus finally found his voice. "Croft," he started. Logan turned around to face him again. "Thank you ... for ...," Janus gestures around the room as if to say _everything_.

Logan smiled a tiny smile. "I am glad I could help. See you tomorrow, Janus. Get some rest."


	4. Ambiguous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: blink and you miss it reference to self-harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is rather enjoying this [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0IqqBv4e0CK1bib6z2cOCY?si=4dfe80df809c4e14).
> 
> He's particularly fond of singing along to Destiny's Child's _Bootylicious_ at top volume.

_Lookin' hot, smellin' good_   
_Groovin' like I'm from the hood_   
_Over my shoulder I blow you a kiss_   
_Can you handle, handle this?_

_I don't think you're ready for this jelly_   
_I don't think you're ready for this jelly_   
_I don't think you're ready for this_   
_'Cause my body's too bootylicious for ya, babe_

Roman was sitting at his desk, hunched over a textbook, crumpled papers, pens, and an uncapped highlighter scattered around him on the surface. He grimaced when he heard his brother's voice echoing through the hall of their dormitory. He spared a glance at his alarm clock. Remus had been MIA for nearly 24 hours. He felt a hot mixture of relief that his brother was alive and fury that he hadn't bothered to even respond to texts.

_I don't think you're ready for this jelly_   
_I don't think you're ready for this jelly_

"Lu-cy, I'm home ... moh!" Remus called out as soon as the door to their room started to open. He cackled to himself at his own joke.

"Remus, please ... " Roman groaned. He refused to give his brother the attention he knew he was looking for with his entrance. "I'm _trying_ to study."

"Oh, sorry Ro Bro," Remus pouted and then giggled into his hand and sauntered over to the small pile of pillows and beanbags that served as a couch in their tiny dorm room. He turned and flopped backwards onto it. He increased the volume on his Walkman and closed his eyes, rocking back and forth to the beat of the music. The scent of clove cigarettes, wine, and - Roman rolled his eyes - _sex_ poured off of him. Soon he was singing along to the song pouring from his headphones.

_Slap my thighs, swing my hair_   
_Squint my eyes_   
_Lookin' hot, smellin' good_

Roman sighed loudly, staring meaningfully at his textbook, hoping his brother would take the hint.

_Groovin' like I'm from the hood_   
_Over my shoulder I blow you a kiss_   
_Can you handle, handle this?_

Roman threw his pencil down onto the desk so hard that it cracked. " ** _Remus!_** " Remus pulled off his headphones, Destiny's Child clearly audible from where Roman was sitting. "We **_both_** grew up in _Xenia, Ohio_. We wouldn't know 'the hood' if it bit us in the ass." Roman breathed in deeply and slowly let out the breath, striving to ignore Remus' suggestive eyebrow waggling. He spoke through gritted teeth. "Could you _please_ try to keep it down!?"

Remus sat quietly, staring down at the Walkman in his lap, fiddling with the cord. "I'm sorry, Ro. I was just soooo excited about my night that I wanted to just keep ... you know ... ?" Remus managed a full-body wiggle to the beat of the music while sprawled on the beanbag.

Roman sighed heavily looking up to the heavens or to the room upstairs or to whomever could give him strength. "Fine, I give." Remus' eyes _glowed_. "'Hey, Remus, how was your night last night now that it's actually 1:30 in the afternoon and you haven't been home since before _yesterday's_ dinner?'"

"I thought you'd never ask," Remus sat up straight and shimmied his shoulders. "I just had the most _amazing_ night - and morning, yum! - with the absolute hottest guy! You know him ... umm ... Jake?" Remus tilts his head all the way to one side, wincing slightly. "Joh - ?,"

Remus seemed to space out, mouthing something under his breath. It was a familiar behavior to Roman. He knew that Remus was replaying the conversation in his head to recall his hookup's name and -

"Jack!" he says at last, triumphantly. "I _knew_ I knew his name. It wasn't _that_ kind of night," Remus grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

Roman felt ice water in his veins. " _Jack?_ **Jack!? JACK MARIN?!?** "

Remus appeared not to notice Roman's distress and nodded. "That sounds right." He started humming Bootylicious under his breath.

"The _law student_ Jack Marin?" Roman ground his teeth, pressing his hands flat against the surface of his desk. He fought to take a deep breath but all he could manage was a quick, shallow gasps. "The law student Jack Marin who I have been trying to get a date with since last year? _That Jack Marin?!_ "

"Oh, riiight ... yeah, he _totally_ thought I was you for at least the first hour or two of that party.” Remus tossed his Walkman in the air, sticking out his tongue in concentration, catching it just before it shattered on their dorm room floor. “He didn't realize **I** was **me** until we were on our way back to his place."

" **What!?** " Roman picked up the closest object, an empty to-go cup from the dining hall, and beamed it at Remus' head. "How could you do that? He was interested in _me_!?"

"Sorry, Bro. Why weren't _you_ at the party?"

"Because _I_ wasn't invited! I don't _get_ invited to the law school parties!"

"You really should go to one someday," Remus shimmied his shoulders and licked his lips, "they always have the best booze ... and the best boys!"

Roman was on his feet, fists clenched at his sides. " **You're - we're not even old enough to drink!!** " Remus shrugged. Roman started gathering together his books, slamming them together and shoving them into a backpack. "I don't have time for this." _I don't have time for you, _he thought. "I'm going to go study in the library and then to my split shift at the childcare center. Just ... just take a shower and ...," Roman sputtered, losing steam.

Remus looked thoughtful. "And don't steal any more of your future boyfriends?" Roman deflated. _How does he do that?_ "C'mon, Ro. I didn't know you were _this_ into him." Remus looked up at Roman with huge puppy dog eyes. "Forgive me? I promise I wasn't trying to pull a Claudius on you."

"Fine." Roman sighed heavily, leaning against the door, adrenaline seeping away. "Just ... just _promise_ me you're not gonna do this again. It's bad enough being confused for you all time but ..., "

Remus felt something cold settle in the pit of his stomach. _It's bad enough being confused for you all the time ..._ "Yeah, yeah I get it, Ro. I promise." Remus started to pull his headset back over his ears. "Hey, can you ask again if they have anymore work study positions at the center?"

"Sure, Re." Roman could see that something had shifted behind Remus' eyes but he didn't have the time to get into it. He really did need to get in a little more studying before his shift. "Meet up at the dining hall at 7?" Remus held up his hand in headbanger horns and nodded to the beat of his music. Roman gave him one last lingering look before slipping through the door and off to work.

Remus turned up the volume, and rubbed _\- I'm not scratching, Roman -_ at his forearm, trying not think about yesterday afternoon.

_It had been a gorgeous day, with clear, bright Autumn light making everything glow. Remus had his sketch book and pencils and was making his way to the Quad outside the dining hall. He'd planned to meet Roman for dinner as they did most evenings. He had wanted to capture all the colors before the setting sun - and Seattle rain - leeched them all away. He had nearly gotten to his favorite tree when a smiling upperclassman approached him. "Oh, Roman, thank god I found you! I've been looking for you everywhere! Are you free tonight to help block the stage for my play?"_

_Remus smiled back and tilted his head with a little shoulder shimmy. "Well, hello, Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, but I'm not Roman." He pressed his hand to his chest, miming a little bow toward the other. "I'm Remus, his twin."_

_The man's face fell a bit. "Oh, sorry to bother you. Um, if you see Roman, will you let him know Nate's looking for him?"_

_Remus nodded and opened his mouth to reply but the man had already started off into the other direction. Remus shrugged and resumed walking._

_He camped out under a tree along the path he knew Roman would have to take on his way to the dining hall, pulled on his headphones and started drawing. After several minutes, he was interrupted by someone tapping his shoulder and waving a hand in front of him. He freed one ear. She was smiling broadly, "I said, Roman, I didn't know you were an artist, too! Does that make you a quadruple threat?"_

_Remus grinned as wide as he could and spread his arms as if to say 'tada!' "You've got Roman's one and only brother Remus this afternoon!" He pretended not to notice the fractional dip in the girl's smile when he said his name. "You like art? I've got other sketches here ...," He reached out as though to shake her hand, "You know my name now, what's yours?"_

_Her smile had shrunk to a small and polite closed-lipped ghost of its former self. "Oh, hi, Remus ...," she gave the tiniest of shrugs. "I thought you were Roman. Uh, my name's Debbie. It's nice to meet you, but I should be getting to class." She started to turn, "See you around."_

_Remus kept the grin pasted on his face, "Sure, see you around ..." He swallowed and replaced the headphones and returned to his drawing when he was interrupted yet again._

_"Oh, Roman ... just the man I wanted to see!" Remus' shoulders knotted and he sucked in a deep breath, ready to once more with feeling explain that he was sorry to disappoint the world but he was not, in fact, the dashing actor/singer/dancer Roman Prince, but only his identical-but-still-somehow-lesser-twin brother, Remus. He lifted his eyes and saw the hottest guy he'd seen all year - or at least that week. **Fuck it.** If they all wanted him to be Roman ... then he'd be Roman.  
_

_"Well, hello there ...," Remus dragged his eyes up and down the man standing in front of him. "What can I do for you on this lovely afternoon?"_

...

Roman smiled when he recognized the next parent walking through the doors at the childcare center at pickup time. "Hi, Mr. Croft! I'll make sure Remy's ready."

Logan smiled, "Please, Roman, call me Logan. I am barely older than you."

Roman blushed and scratched his chin, "Yeah, I know. They like us to be a little formal with the parents ... Sorry." Logan smiled and shrugged a bit. Roman noticed that he looked a lot more tired than usual - and that was saying something. _He'd be cute if it wasn't for the bags under his eyes,_ Roman thought to himself. _Oh, who are you kidding? He's cute even with the bags. And married, so knock it off. _With a little shake, Roman refocused his thoughts. "If you don't mind my asking, are you feeling ok?" He tilted his head and winced a bit, but he looked Logan in the eyes to ask. "You seem ... maybe a little tired?"

Logan sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. "I am quite tired, actually. I ... had, well, a very late night." Looking up at Roman's suddenly awkward expression, he quickly added, holding up his hand, "I took a f-friend to the hospital last night."

Roman covered his mouth with his hand for a moment, not expecting this response at all. "Oh, Log- Mr. Croft, I'm so sorry!" His face bled concern and he placed one hand on Logan's shoulder. "Are they ok now?"

Logan bit his lip and looked down at the floor before answering, "I believe he will be. He was hurt quite badly, not far from here, actually." He looked thoughtfully at Roman before continuing. "Listen, Roman, it would be wise to be extra cautious when you're out at night. Capitol Hill is a nice enough area, but ... at night ... " He let out a shaky breath. "At night, anything can happen."

Roman nodded quickly, "Sure, yeah, I'll be careful. Um, I'll ... I'll go get Remy." He opened his mouth, unsure of what else he could say. "I ... I hope your friend gets better soon." Logan nodded, a grateful smile on his face.

Shortly after Roman went back to retrieve Remy from the toddler room, Logan's phone rang. He looked at the caller ID before answering, but he didn't recognize the number. "Hello, this is Logan Croft," he answered. The other end was quiet enough that at first Logan feared the call had dropped.

Finally, Janus spoke softly on the other end of the call. "Hello ... L-Logan. This is Janus."

Logan's eyes opened wide before immediately narrowing in concern. "Janus! Are you alright? Is there something you need?"

Janus took as deep a breath as his taped ribs would allow and let it out slowly. _Was this a mistake?_ He pursed his lips like he'd just eaten a lemon. "Yes, yes, Cr-." He took another breath. _C'mon, Janus. The man at least deserves to be called by his first name._ "Yes ... Logan, everything is fine here. I ... they expect to release me tomorrow." Janus opened his mouth but simply could not force himself to ask for help.

Logan waited for a few moments until it was clear that Janus wasn't going to say anymore. He smiled, hoping that some of the smile would come through in his voice. "Would it be satisfactory if I drove you home from the hospital when you are discharged?"

"Y-yes, that would be more than satisfactory." Janus felt a wave of surprise and relief and something _else_ he didn't want to examine. "The doctors expect to release me at about this time tomorrow. Would - would that work for you?" Logan saw Roman returning with Remy.

"If you would be willing to hold for just a moment, I will confirm that." Janus heard Remy's voice in the background, as well as another man's. While Janus was trying to parse out what was being said, Logan's voice sounded in his ear again. "My son's daycare closes at six tomorrow. I would need to bring Remy with me. " Logan gently asked, "Would it be acceptable to you?"

Janus was shocked. He was expecting Logan to use the daycare's hours to be a nice excuse to back out gracefully. "I - Of ... c-course," he finally stuttered.

"Excellent. We will see you tomorrow at about this time, then. Is there anything you need in the meantime?"

Janus shook his head for a moment before he could speak. "No, no, I'm fine here." Janus didn't often find himself at a loss for words - he was known among their first-year class for having a bit of a silver tongue that could always find _something_ to say. _Just thank the man and get off the damn phone!_ "Thank you, Logan," he pushed out at last. "See you tomorrow."


	5. Best Evidence

At precisely 6:15 PM, Janus heard a gentle knock at the door of his hospital room. He looked up from _The Elegant Universe_ to see Logan standing in the doorway, wearing - _what the hell is he wearing?_

Janus wanted to laugh but settled for a raised eyebrow. "What do you have on your back?"

Logan tilted his head and then looked over his shoulder. He smiled before returning his attention to Janus. "I believe it would be more accurate to ask _who_ I have on my back," he said, turning slightly to reveal Remy, nestled in the soft toddler carrier he was wearing. Janus couldn't stop the short bark of laughter that escaped his lips.

"Ow - don't ... don't make me laugh." Janus gripped the armrests of his chair, wincing as his taped ribs protested at the movement.

Logan quickly moved to his side. "I apologize. I did not anticipate that you might actually laugh." Logan moved his hands in an aborted motion, settling on adjusting his eye glasses then loosely gripping the straps on his shoulders. He cleared his throat and gestured to the carrier. "This is a logical way to both keep my hands free so that I may assist you - if you wish," he quickly added, "as well as ensure that Remy is safe."

Janus narrowed his eyes. _You two look awfully cozy for it to be a purely logical choice_. He hummed in acknowledgement. "I'm just about ready to escape. I've already been officially discharged." Janus looked down at his hospital sock-clad feet, feeling a horrifying blush creep up his neck and face. His cracked ribs had proven to be a immovable _obstacle_ to putting on his own socks and shoes. Janus was considering simply walking out barefoot. Logan's eyes followed his gaze. _Please don't make me ask, please don't make me ask, please don't -_

"I hope you do not mind the question, but ... may I assist with your shoes? Cracked ribs can make tasks such as that painful."

Janus cleared his throat to rid it of the lump that was starting to form. _Are you gonna cry?_ "Thanks." He looked away to try to reduce the awkwardness while Logan crouched - _with_ _Remy perfectly balanced on his back? What the fuck?_ \- and carefully helped Janus with his socks and shoes. As soon as Janus' feet were properly covered, Logan quickly stood and moved a few feet away.

Janus slowly rose to his feet, Logan's book grasped in his hand. He looked around the room, grateful to leave. Logan looked at him, eyebrows raised, "Ready?"

"Ready."

...

Down in the parking garage, Logan opened the car door for Janus and helped him gingerly lower himself into the seat before closing the door and walking around the car to the side without a car seat. Wincing, Janus turned a bit to try to catch sight of what Logan was doing. "Are you letting Remy use a regular seat belt?"

Logan looked aghast. "No, of course not! I need to help Remy out of his carrier." Janus raised an eyebrow but watched closely to see how Logan planned to safely accomplish this on his own.

Logan partially sat in the back seat with his legs still outside of the car. Leaning back slightly so that the back of the carrier was supported by the the seat, he unbuckled it, pulling off one shoulder strap. He then twisted around to grip the carrier as he removed his arm from the other strap. Remy watched him with sleepy eyes. "Mr. Janus would like to go home now. Are you ready for your car seat, Remy?" Remy hugged Logan and nodded, then climbed into his car seat. Logan slid down further into the car, buckled Remy, then got out, closed the door and settled into the driver's seat. Janus watched the entire procedure with a small smile.

"You have that down to a science."

Logan frowned slightly and shrugged, then fastened his own seat belt, adjusted the rear view mirror, and checked his side mirrors. "It has become something of a routine by now, I suppose."

 _This guy makes no sense. If I didn't know he was married, I'd assume he was a single father._ The silence was heavy. "So ... What does your wife do?" _Shit, Janus! Filter? Who's she? Never heard of her._ Janus gestured vaguely. "I mean, where does she work?"

"Kelly," Logan said, nodding, "is a Public Relations specialist. She works on the Eastside, so Remy and I drove her this morning so we could have the car today." Logan glanced at Remy in the rear view mirror, smiling. "And you, Remy, got to see the water this morning." Logan cleared his throat and glanced over at Janus. "He likes it when we drive over Lake Washington."

Janus was struck again by the way Logan's entire face changed when he talked to - or about - his son.

A sudden thought surfaced in Janus' mind. "Wait, was that _before_ class? Logan, have you slept at all?"

Logan kept his eyes on the road and adjusted his grip on the steering wheel. "Of course. I have, perhaps, slept _a little_ less than is optimal, however I assure you that you are safe in this car. I would never put you - or my son - in danger by driving when it would be unsafe to do so."

 _That wasn't what I was worried about._ Janus opened his mouth to respond, but in the end merely nodded with a small smile in the other's direction.

...

Remy fell asleep during the brief drive to Janus' apartment. After parking, Logan reattached the carrier so that it was on his front. He then carefully nestled Remy against his chest and fastened the carrier without waking his son. Janus could not hide his surprise as he opened the passenger door and started strategizing how to get out without an unmanageable amount of pain. "You kept him asleep." Logan smiled and gently rubbed the top of Remy's head.

"Nap time." With a start, Logan nodded sharply and looked to Janus, who was still attempting to maneuver his way out of his seat. "May I help you out of the car?" Janus sighed, admitting defeat.

"That would be helpful."

A few minutes later, Janus stood in front of his apartment door, keys in his hands. Logan stood a bit to the side, hands resting on the carrier. They both spoke at the same time.

"Would you like to come in - "

"Is there anything else you - "

Logan tilted his head down and gestured to Janus so he would speak. Janus asked again, "Would you like to come in? Or do you need to go right away?" Janus swallowed, uncertain what he hoped Logan's response would be.

"I have time," Logan said with a small smile, checking his watch and nodding. "Kelly has an engagement after work this evening. I would be happy to come in to ensure you have all that you need."

Janus nodded and worked to convince himself that the relief he felt was because he was finally home.

...

Once inside, Janus sank into a kitchen chair, fortunately situated near the front door in his open-space apartment. Logan watched him carefully for a moment. "When was the last time you drank anything?"

Janus was thoughtful. They prepared his discharge right after lunch, which was ... "about 11?" Logan's eyes widened in concern.

"May I get you something to drink?"

"I'd ... I'd like to say I'm fine, but ...," he looked up at Logan, "Honestly, some tea would be nice."

"Of course." He gestured to the kitchen area, "May I?"

Janus nodded, "The tea is in the cabinet to the left of the stove. Mugs to the right." Logan nodded and got to work making tea.

"I have wanted to ask you something, Janus," he began carefully, focusing his eyes on the task of filling the kettle, gathering cups, and opening tea packets. He glanced quickly at Janus, looking for permission to continue. Janus' shoulders tensed, but he gestured for Logan to speak. He swallowed, brow furrowed slightly. "You appear to have experience with ...," Logan adjusted his glasses and took a breath, starting a different approach. "This was not the first time that you - "

"Got jumped by a bunch of drunks?," Janus finally interjected.

Logan nodded, not meeting his eyes.

Janus took a deep breath and admitted, "No. No it is not." Logan picked up the prepared teas and a towel that was hanging by the stove, and carried them to the small table where Janus sat. Logan's jaw was clenched and his lips were tight. After placing the mugs on the table, he carefully sat and faced Janus.

Logan opened his mouth and closed it a few times before finally asking, "What precipitates these attacks?"

Janus fixed him with a look, eyebrow raised.

The horror of it all landed on Logan like a cement block. The memory of Janus' words at their first meeting echoed through his mind, _'The way our society treats the LGBTQ community is a matter of literal life and death for us.'_ "Ah," he whispered, looking down at the mug in his hands.

" _'Ah'_ , indeed." Janus sipped at his tea.

Logan narrowed his eyes at Janus and tilted his head. "And that is why you have devoted so much time to studying self-defense." It was not a question.

Janus looked up in surprise. _Was that just a lucky guess?_

Logan smiled and spread his hands in a sort of shrug. "Despite the fact that you were vastly outnumbered that night, at least one of your attackers suffered a broken nose. Additionally, I saw one holding his arm as though it was fractured or at least sprained, and another limped when he ran." Logan looked down for a moment at a small snuffling sound from Remy, still strapped to his chest, then continued. "It seems unlikely that you would have been able to cause any damage in such an unfair fight if you had not had some significant self-defense training."

Janus stared at Logan for a beat, a single eyebrow raised. "Logan, are you trying to say I'm a badass street fighter?"

"Of course not, Janus. I would never use such profanity in front of my son." He met Janus' eyes and let slip a hint of a smile as he sipped his tea.

Janus was about to reply when Remy started to wake. He looked up, a slightly dazed expression on his face. Logan looked down at him, smiling gently, "Good evening, Remy. Did you have a pleasant nap?" Janus fought to keep the smile from his lips at the juxtaposition of the slightly formal language and the warmth that radiated from Logan's voice and eyes when he looked at his son.

"Down, Daddy." 

Logan looked up at Janus, "May I let him stand? Just while I gather the cups, and - "

Janus interrupted him with a hand on his forearm. "It's fine, please ... " He wasn't sure what he was asking for, but he didn't like the sour feeling he got when he thought about the two rushing out of his apartment. Logan nodded a 'thank you' and started to unbuckle the carrier. As soon as he could, Remy turned himself around and slid off his father's lap. He giggled as he looked around the unfamiliar space.

"Remy, this is Mr. Janus' house," Logan crouched down so he would be eye-to-eye with this son. "We are his guests, so we need to be respectful. Do you understand?" Remy nodded solemnly and looked over at Janus. "Do you wish to say hello to Mr. Janus?" Remy looked back at his father and smiled, nodding again. Logan looked up and waited for a nod from Janus before turning back to his son. "Please be gentle. Mr. Janus was hurt, do you remember?" Remy nodded again and turned, _literally toddling_ over to Janus. _Oh, for Christ's sake. This kid is just too cute._

"Hello, Remy," Janus said, _How do I talk to a toddler?_ He looked up at a grinning Logan. Janus looked back at Remy, "Thank you for coming with your Dad today." Remy looked closely at Janus, tilted his head in a perfect imitation of his father, then patted his thigh before wandering off to look at a bright yellow waste bin across the room.

"Ah, Remy, that is not for us to touch ..." Lightning-fast, Logan intercepted and lifted up Remy before he could explore the bin and then he looked back at Janus. "Perhaps we should go." Logan fished in his pockets for a moment before he pulled out a small, brightly colored set of interlocking rings and handed them to Remy. He looked back at Janus, "Is there anything you require before we leave?," he asked, picking up the now-empty tea cups and rinsing them in Janus' sink.

"No, I'm fine." Janus sought to ignore the twinge he felt as he watched Logan prepare to leave. _You're not going soft now, are you?_

"Dishwasher?," Logan asked, holding both mugs in one hand. Janus pointed and Logan placed the mugs inside.

"Our professors aren't expecting you back in class for a few more days. Is there anything I can do for you in the meantime?" Logan looked around the small apartment. He bit his lip before speaking again. "I am ... concerned about you being alone for an extended period of time while you recover. Would it ...," Logan adjusted his glasses and shifted Remy in his arms. "Would it be acceptable to you if I were to text you later this evening or tomorrow to see how you are feeling?"

Janus didn't like how Logan's request caused a warm wave to spread through his chest. He swallowed and nodded, "That would be fine." Logan nodded brusquely.

Looking to his son now, Logan's 'dad' voice returned. "Remy, it it time for us to go. Will you say goodbye to Mr. Janus?"

"Bye-bye, Mister Jansus," _Oh, come on!_

"Goodbye, Remy," Janus held his breath for a moment before finally looking at Logan. "Thank you. I owe you one. Well ... more than one."

Logan smiled at Janus. "Any time." With a small wave - _and a tooth-rottingly cute wave from Remy_ \- Logan left, closing the door behind him.

Janus sat for a while at the little kitchen table, decidedly _not_ noticing that the apartment felt colder, a little larger, and very, very empty. With a sigh, he slowly rose and walked into his bedroom. _Sleep, that's all you need. Sleep._


	6. Hearsay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: smoking, and _gestures at Remus_ , language, innuendo, etc. Lots of implied everything.

"Ok, good. What are Piaget's four stages of cognitive development?"

Roman had finally convinced Remus to help him study for midterms. Roman was sitting on his bed, a notepad and pen in his lap, jotting down what he got wrong. Remus was ... well he was _in_ a chair. He was lying in his desk chair with his back pressed against the seat, legs hooked over the back rest, head dangling upside down. He was slowly swiveling the chair around and fiddling with the strap of Roman's sleep mask as he quizzed his brother.

Roman closed his eyes, trying to remember the names of the stages. He counted off on his fingers. "Um, sensorimotor, pre...operational, concrete operational, and form- _ation_ operational?" His voice rose at the end, turning his answer into a question.

Remus made a small buzzer sound. "You're close, Ro Bro. The last one's _formal_ operational."

"How can you even tell?" Roman whined. They'd been studying for several hours and Roman would still only get about three-quarters of the questions correct. He stared at the textbook lying abandoned on Remus' desk. "You're not even _looking_ at the answer key!"

Remus shrugged, "We did that same question a couple hours ago."

 _Thwop!_ Roman threw a pillow at Remus. It hit his legs, then fell to the floor. "How can _you_ remember that after only a couple of hours when _I've_ been studying this unit for two months and can't remember!? That's so _unfair!_ "

Remus pushed away from his desk with his feet, shooting across the distance between his desk and Roman's bed. He stared at his brother upside down. "You're getting most of these right. You're gonna do fine on the test."

"Ugh," Roman groaned, falling back against the wall. "Easy for _you_ to say. I haven't seen you study all year - or last year - and you've got a 4.0!"

"What? No, I don't." Remus reached between their beds, trying to span the distance with his arms. _Nearly ..._

"Yes, yes you do." Roman doodled in the margin of his notes, scowling. "You just never check your grades."

"Well how do _you_ know my grades?" Remus wiggled in the chair, fingers just brushing the edge of his unmade bed.

Roman winced, his mind catching up with his mouth. He looked down at his hands, suddenly fascinated by his cuticles. "I ... I _may_ have gone down to Academic Advising and asked?"

"And they just told _you_ my grades?" He turned his attention back to his brother, wiggling the chair closer to Roman's side of the room.

"Wellll ... ," Roman grimaced, twisting his fingers together. "They did when I said I was you ... " Roman looked up, expecting Remus' rare fury and instead saw that he was about to start laughing.

"Way to go, Ro!," Remus cackled. "You're not just a goody two shoes after all!"

"You're really not mad?"

He shrugged, flipping the sleep mask in the air, resuming his spinning. "I don't care about my grades."

"I _know_ and that's what makes me so mad!" Roman felt his frustration return and his eyes started to burn.

Remus looked up at the tone he heard in Roman's voice and noticed the tears starting to form in his eyes. He flipped himself off the chair and catapulted onto Roman's bed, landing partially in his lap. "Ro Bro, I think we've had enough studying for now. C'mon, let's go for a walk. Let your semantic memory convert to long term - " He stopped at Roman's death glare. "Sorry. Let's get out of here."

Once outside, Remus pulled out a package of clove cigarettes, held one in his lips and lit it. He inhaled deeply. He held it out to Roman, "Want some?"

Roman glared at his brother. "No, and you shouldn't be smoking those, either."

"Hmmm ... ," Remus closed his eyes and inhaled again. "But they smell so nice."

"And they're terrible for your lungs! Here," he grasped Remus' shoulders and switched places with him as they walked, "At least stand downwind of me. I need to protect my singing voice." Remus shrugged and dragged on his cigarette.

They walked for a while in an easy silence.

"Oh, hey, three o'clock!" Roman pulled at Remus' arm. "Look, but _don't look,"_ he muttered.

Remus rolled his eyes but looked to his right. "Hmmm, yeah he's hot. He's got a huge dick, too."

"What?" Roman's steps stuttered. "When did you two go out?"

Remus shrugged, taking one last drag on his cigarrette and extinguishing it on the side of a trash can. He looked up at the sky, "Eh, we hooked up around Orientation last Fall."

"I haven't seen you together before. Do you ever talk to him?" Remus looked at Roman like he had three heads.

"No, of course not." Remus shook his head. "He's ... we're not ... it was just a hook up." Remus found a gum wrapper in his pocket and started twisting it around his finger.

They continued walking, the silence a little less easy than before.

Roman bit at his lower lip, glancing at Remus as they walked. "Hey, Re ... ," his voice trailed off. Remus looked at him, pulling out another clove cigarette and lighting it.

"What's up Ro Bro?" He blew out a long puff of smoke away from his brother.

Roman stopped walking and turned to face Remus. He then looked down at his shoes, hands stuffed in his pockets. "I - I need to ask you about something."

Remus tugged at Roman's sleeve and motioned to a set of nearby steps. "Wanna sit or stand?" Roman sighed heavily.

He chewed at his bottom lip, rubbing his fingers together in his pockets. "Let's sit."

The brothers sat next to each other for several minutes. Roman stared out at the Quad. Remus finished his cigarette and found some gum, wordlessly offering a piece to Roman. Remus snapped his gum and flicked his lighter in what was otherwise silence between the two. Finally, Roman spoke again.

"I was talking to my friend Debbie the other day." Roman glanced over at Remus. "You've met her." Remus nodded and sat up a little straighter, rubbing his forearm. Roman reached out and put his hand on Remus', "Don't, Re."

Remus swallowed and went back to flicking the lighter. "How is Debbie?"

"She's fine ... she - , " Roman took a deep breath, "She was worried about you."

"Oh?" Remus kept his eyes on the flame from the lighter, snapping his gum.

"She, um, she saw you earlier this week, um, in her hall." Remus didn't speak, just flicked the lighter on and off, bouncing his knee. "She said ... she said you were leaving some guy's room and she ... ," Roman rested his hand on Remus' bouncing knee. "She said you were crying, Re."

Remus stared at the lighter, biting at his lip now. The flame shook a little. "Yeah?," he muttered.

"She thought ... she thought that maybe ...," Roman swallowed against the sudden lump in his own throat. "Re, did ... did somebody hurt you?," he whispered.

Something snapped in Remus like a switch. He pocketed the lighter and rubbed his hands together. "Only when I've asked nicely," he cackled, waggling his eyebrows.

"Re, you can talk to - ," Roman began.

"Oh, Ro Bro, c'mon, check it out! I wanna show you something!" Remus spoke over Roman, grabbing his hand and pulling him up and toward the big yellow tree on the edge of the Quad. They stood in front of it.

"Yeah, it's your tree," Roman began. _Why won't he just talk to me? _Remus looked over at Roman in surprise, a smile spreading on his face.

" _My_ tree?"

"Yeah, this is where you like to draw."

"Aw, you sap," he said in a brittle voice, bumping his shoulder against Roman's. "You've noticed."

Roman looked into Remus' eyes and recognized the slightly manic glint. There was no point in trying to continue the conversation now. Maybe he could try again later. He bumped Remus' shoulder back. "What did you want to show me, Re?"

"Oh, right. I was reading about this tree. It's a ginkgo tree."

"Like the supplement?," Roman asked.

Remus nodded and hummed. "It was transplanted here over a hundred years ago and can survive both drought and the," he gestured around them at the light mist that had started while they walked, " _wet_ weather here in Seattle." Remus looked up at the tree. _At his tree._ "It's a survivor."

Roman watched his brother for a few moments before a sudden question bubbled out. "Wait, when were you reading about this tree?," Roman looked at his brother incredulously. "And why?"

"I was bored. There's a plaque over in the Engineering Building," he waved a hand at the building behind them, looking at the shadows cast by the waving branches.

"What were you doing in the Engineering Building - wait, don't tell me,"

Remus shrugged, "I was bored."

"You were _bored_." Roman's swung up his arms exaggeratedly. "You know, it would be easier to like you if you weren't so fucking effortlessly smart," Roman muttered, playing up the pout in an attempt to pull a laugh out of his brother.

"Ah, Ro, don't say that. You actually give a fuck about what _you're_ studying." Remus grabbed Roman's shoulder and pulled him in to a half-hug. "Ok, subject change. What about that guy over there?"

"Subtle like a Mack truck, as always, Re," Roman muttered, unable to suppress a smile.

"I do try my best," Remus said, winking.

...

The mist soon turned into actual rain and the brothers made their way back to their dorm. They were nearly ready to turn in for the night when there was a knock at the door. Roman was closest, so he stood to open it. A tall man with thick, curly hair, chocolatey brown eyes and the most gorgeous mouth Roman had ever seen stood at the door. Roman recognized him from down the hall. The man grinned, leaning against the door frame. He peered at Roman closely, "Remus?," he asked.

Roman sighed heavily and walked away, "Remus, it's for you."

Remus bounded over to the door, "Well hello there, Handsome! Looking for me?," he lilted with a little shimmy.

Roman couldn't make out what the man rumbled in response, but Remus' loud laughter cut through his heart. _Everybody wants Remus._

"Hmmm. Okay, give me five minutes," Remus murmured, "Don't start without me." Remus closed the door and headed to his closet.

"Who was that?," Roman asked.

"Oh, um ... _Daaaave?,"_ Remus looked thoughtful and then nodded, "Yes, Dave," he said, turning back to his closet. Roman curled his lip at his brother's back.

"So does just _everyone_ on this floor want you?"

Remus turned to face Roman, a bright smile splitting his face. " ... For a night, at least." Remus' smile had stopped before it reached his eyes.

His expression gave Roman a frozen feeling in his chest. "But why ... Why go along with it? Why don't you wait for something ... _more_?"

Remus turned away from his brother, sliding clothes across the hanging rod. He sighed. "Because, Ro Bro, if I said no, I'd _always_ be alone." He looked at Roman over his shoulder and shrugged. "It beats an empty bed. When was the last time _you_ didn't sleep alone?"

Roman didn't have a response to that. There was that one guy he went out with a few times freshman year, but ... _Could Remus' way actually be right?_

"You should think about it. I'll bet there are at least a dozen guys in this building who wouldn't kick you out of bed. In fact," Remus shimmied his shoulders, "I can guarantee it."

Pulling out a tight black shirt, Remus quickly changed, shoved some condoms and lubricant from his desk drawer in his pocket, and dramatically blew a kiss to his brother. "Good night, Ro ... don't wait up."


	7. Asked and Answered

Janus and Logan sat together in the student union, empty coffee cups, open case books and several notepads spread around them on the table. "So if we open with the discussion on _Marbury vs. Madison_ , that will let us transition into ... " Janus looked up from the book in front of him and reached for the blue text next to Logan's elbow.

"Our analysis of Scott v. Stanford," Logan finished Janus' sentence, bent over his own notepad, writing quickly.

Janus nodded, tapping his pen, "And that will make it harder for them to defend constitutional originalism if we anchor the debate to that so-called _decision."_ He didn't bother to hide the disgust in his voice.

"Precisely!," Logan grinned, nodding at Janus before noticing the time on his watch. "Oh, I have been so engaged in this discussion that I have neglected the time." He started to gather his notes, marking pages in the case books. "I apologize, but I need to pick up Remy at the campus day care center."

"Oh ...," Janus assured him in a noticeably more subdued voice. "Of course, no apology is necessary," Janus wasn't really quite ready to let go of their discussion, though. "Perhaps ... perhaps I could walk with you and we could continue our planning? I think we're nearly done."

Logan smiled and nodded, "If you do not mind?" Janus returned his smile. "I would like that."

...

As they stepped through the entrance of the child care center, Janus followed closely behind Logan but stopped short at the sight of the stunning man staffing the front desk. He was tall with auburn hair that swept over his forehead and had _striking_ green eyes. Janus felt an odd sense of near recognition, but he was certain he would have remembered meeting _this_ man. Logan noticed Janus falter and glanced behind him in concern. He suppressed a chuckle when he saw what, or rather, _who_ had so captured his friend's attention. He smiled, "Good afternoon, Roman. How are you today?"

"Oh, hi, Mr. Croft. I'm fine. How are you?"

Logan smiled, having resigned himself to being "Mr. Croft" for a while. "I am having a very good day, thank you." He turned and gestured to Janus, who was still staring at Roman. "Have you two met?" Logan watched as Roman looked at Janus and quickly looked back, ears tinged pink. "Janus, this is Roman, he is a Theatre - and Education student and is justifiably Remy's favorite carer here." Roman looked down at Logan's compliment, blush intensifying. "Roman, this is my friend Janus. We are in the same class in the Law program and - "

Janus quickly stepped forward, reaching out for Roman's hand. " _Pleasure._ " Logan adjusted his glasses and studied his shoes, biting back a laugh.

Roman cleared his throat, shaking Janus' hand. "Uh, yes, it's nice to meet you. I - I'll go get Remy. I'll be right back," he said in a rush as he backed into the door to the toddler area.

Logan looked at Janus after Roman left the desk, a small smirk forming on his lips. "Oh, shut up," Janus hissed to hide his grin.

Logan feigned seriousness. "Whatever have I said that has you so concerned, Janus?," but couldn't hide the mirth in his eyes.

Janus opened his mouth to respond when Roman returned with a sleeping Remy in his arms. "Remy was a little cranky this afternoon, so we let him lay down in the infant room ... and I'm afraid he's still asleep." Roman shifted his weight from either foot, watching Logan's face carefully. Some parents reacted strongly when their children slept at the "wrong" time. One look at Logan's soft expression reassured him.

Logan reached for Remy and settled him against his chest, a smile spreading on his face. He nodded slowly and sighed, "Yes, his molars are erupting." He looked up at Roman, "Remy did not sleep much last night. I am glad that it was my night off so I could sit with him." He looked at Remy's peaceful face for a moment before continuing, "Thank you, Roman. We shall see you in the morning." Logan looked up at Janus as he turned back toward the exit. "I am going to get him home." He met Janus' eyes and glanced meaningfully back toward Roman behind him, eyebrows raised. Janus glared back at Logan in mock anger - _Do I **look like** a need a matchmaker? - _before speaking.

"Here, let me get the door for you," he stepped toward the door and as he got closer to Logan, whispered through gritted teeth, "I've got this, _go_."

Logan smiled with saccharine sweetness, "Why thank you, Janus. See you tomorrow."

After Logan left, Janus stood near the entry way, phone in-hand, pretending to check his messages. He watched the front desk from the corner of his eye. Another staffer joined Roman, chatted for a moment, and then Roman excused himself and started toward a door marked "NOT AN EXIT." He opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind him. Roman glanced at the other staffer, who was busy talking with a parent. Walking quickly but purposefully, Janus followed Roman.

Janus opened the door and quickly slipped inside what he gathered to be a small supply room. Roman turned and looked surprised to see him standing there. He was shocked into momentary speechlessness before he finally found his voice again. "Um, parents aren't supposed to be in here."

"I'm not a parent," Janus purred.

"W-well - ," Roman stuttered, trying not to be distracted by the growing flutter he felt in the pit of his stomach. "You -," He pursed his lips, taking a deep breath and trying a different tact. "There's a sign on the door that says 'NOT AN EXIT.'"

Janus just stared, a hint of a smile on his lips.

"That's supposed to scare you off from trying to get in here," Roman said at last, nervousness raising the tone of his voice half an octave.

Janus gestured at the scars on his face. They had healed quite a bit over the past several months, but were still visible. "Do I _look_ like the type to scare easily?" Roman licked his lips, blushing, not knowing what he could possibly say to that. Janus let him sit with the silence for a few beats. "So ... _Roman_ ," Janus continued, pleased to see how well he's been able to fluster the man in front of him.

"Uh," he swallowed, trying to think of something to say that was suave and smooth to match the character of the man standing in front of him. "Yeah?" was all he could muster.

" _Roman_ ..., " Janus repeated as his eyes lit up, "Hmmm ... It's a lovely name." Roman felt his cheeks flush even brighter. He couldn't believe how good his name sounded coming out of this man's mouth. His mind started to wander, wishing he would say it again, in many different ways, _perhaps in his room_ ... Roman tried to shake the idea from his head. The other man was talking.

"You know, I share my name with a _Roman_ god."

"That's quite a coincidence," Roman laughed nervously. "You're kidding, right?"

"I _never_ joke about my name." Janus' face went stony for a moment, before gradually softening as he took half a step toward him. "So ... Roman, " Roman couldn't tell if Janus heard his tiny involuntary gasp when he spoke his name again. Janus reached into his hip pocket and pulled out a jet black business card with yellow script - _Janus 206-203-2018_. He held the card at eye level between the tips of his index and middle fingers and raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you can call me sometime. We can get a coffee, " Janus looked Roman up and down slowly, "Or something like that."

Roman was stunned. "Um, maybe," he hedged. "I'd need to think about it."

Janus hummed, taking another half step forward. "I'm not asking you to marry me, Roman. Just a ... _coffee_." The last word came out in a whisper.

Janus slowly stepped closer, carefully watching Roman's eyes for any sign of fear or anything worse than the _tension_ he was striving for. He glanced around them to be certain Roman had space to step back if he wished. Roman was rooted to the floor. Janus' smile broadened and he slowly brought his card to Roman's mouth, gently touching it to his lips and dragging it down, parting them slightly. "Let me be honest. I'm attracted to you. And I can tell by the size of," he looked down and then met the blushing man's eyes again, "your _pupils_ that it's a shared attraction." Janus tilted his head slightly, eyes locked onto Roman's. "You should call me sometime," he said again.

He waited until Roman took the card from his fingertips. Once he did, Janus opened the supply room door, then turned back to fix one more stare at him. "I'll put a smile on your face," he promised. Janus briefly looked down at Roman's name badge, "See you around, _'Prince, Roman'_ ," as he slipped through the door, closing it behind him. Roman gripped the card and leaned back against a shelving unit, staring at the door and desperately trying to catch his breath.

...

A week later, Roman had still not called Janus. He had _nearly_ called twice. Once, in a quiet moment in his dorm room after Remus had gone off to meet some guy. Another was when Remus finally snatched the card out of this hand and swiped his phone, starting to dial for him. Remus had gotten to the last two digits before Roman had finally been able to wrestle the phone out of his hands. Now, Roman was at work, on duty at the front desk at pick up time, tapping Janus' card on the tabletop when the door opened and _Aw, **fuck**_. Logan and Janus walked in. Roman tucked it into his pocket hoping that he was quick enough to prevent Janus from spotting the distinctive card in his hand before he did.

"Hi, Mr. Croft," Roman called out, voice only cracking slightly. He could feel the flush crawling up from his neck to his hairline. _Roman, get it together and at least **act**_ _like a_ _professional._ He swallowed hard and cleared his throat.

"Good afternoon, Roman," Logan smiled at him. _Oh my god, does Mr. Croft know what you've been thinking about, too?_ _No, no, you're just being paranoid._ "How has your day been going?"

"Great! I'll go get Remy," he said, heading back to the toddler room before he even finished the sentence.

Logan raised an eyebrow at Janus. "I take it things did not go well when you spoke to him last week?"

Janus had, in fact, spotted the black business card in Roman's hand when they first walked in. "All is proceeding to plan," he murmured quietly, as Roman returned, holding Remy's hand. As soon as he was past the door, Remy ran toward Logan, hugging his legs.

"Daddy!" Logan crouched down and hugged him. Logan shifted as though to lift Remy and carry him out when Remy wiggled out of his embrace and turned toward Janus, hugging _his_ legs. "Hi, Mister Jansus."

The three men shared a look of surprise. Logan, still crouching, was the first to recover and looked between his son and his friend, grinning happily.

Janus was speechless. He looked down at Remy's little face as the boy gave his legs one more squeeze then reached up with his hands, "Up?," he asked in a small voice. Janus blinked, looking quickly to Logan. Logan smiled broadly, nodding. Janus slowly reached down and picked up Remy, trying to hold him the way he'd seen Logan hold him in the past. Remy quickly grasped Janus' shirt and rested his head against his shoulder. Janus blinked rapidly, _definitely_ _not starting to cry_ , stunned at the trust that Remy - and Logan - had just placed in him.

Roman watched from the desk and started planning what he would wear for his night with Janus.

...

Roman sat at a small table at the Coffee Haus. When Roman had finally called, they'd agreed to meet that night at the campus hot spot. Janus had offered to pick him up at his dorm room, but Roman didn't want to risk Remus being there when he did.

He was early. Roman _knew_ that he should have timed his arrival so that he was just fashionably late, to make Janus wait for a few minutes, but deep down, he was afraid that Janus wouldn't actually wait for him. Roman tried not to fiddle too much with the candle on the table, restricting himself to gently tapping the sides and slowly turning it in place, watching how the light gently flickered with the movement.

"One would think you'd found a crystal ball," Janus' deep voice rumbled behind him. Roman jerked upright, nearly knocking the candle off the table. Janus quickly reached out to steady it before it could crash to the floor. He ran his other hand down Roman's arm, "I didn't mean to startle you so, Beautiful." He slid the candle back toward the center of the small table and sat across from Roman.

"Oh, no, you didn't ... I wasn't ... ok, yes, you startled me." Roman admitted. He felt like Janus could see right through him, past every defense, leaving him stuttering and mumbling. Janus watched him over steepled fingers. After a few seconds of silence, Roman finally asked, "What, er, why are you looking at me like that?"

Janus met his eyes. "You're breathtaking in the candle light."

Roman became even more tongue-tied. _How does he do this?_ He struggled to take a deep breath but managed it only halfway, stuttering out a "Th-thank you." He willed his mouth to obey, finally rising and forcing out, "Wh-why I don't get us a couple of drinks? What would you like?"

Janus smiled and rested his elbow on the table, chin cradled in his hand. "Double shot espresso, if you please."

"Wow, that's a lot of caffeine for this late - " Roman began, faltering as Janus' eyes burned into him. _Riiight ..._ His breath caught in his throat and he turned before Janus could notice the flush traveling up his face.

The moment Roman turned the corner that blocked any view of the order counter from their table, he slumped against the wall, and tried to slow his breathing. _What's wrong with you? You can dance in a skin-tight leotard in front of a thousand people but you can't handle one man?_ Suddenly inspired, Roman pictured the Coffee Haus as just a set in a play. _Ok, I can do this. _He closed his eyes, picturing himself standing in the wings, stage lights bright and hot, waiting for his cue. "Next?," called the barista. Roman stepped forward, ready for anything.

...

The moment Roman had turned the corner that blocked any view of their table from the order counter, Janus dropped his head down into both of his hands and fought to breathe deeply. _What's gotten into you, man? It shouldn't be this difficult to maintain your composure. If he'd stood there for one more minute you would have broken. Get it together before he comes back! _Janus straightened and stared at his treacherous, trembling hands, willing them to still. _It's just a date. What is wrong with you? _He took another deep breath and forced himself to lean back in his chair, one arm ~~carefully~~ casually draped over the back rest.

A few minutes later, Roman returned to the table, Janus' espresso in one hand and a lemon ginger tea in the other. Janus' eyes danced as he murmured, "Tea?"

Roman smiled, "I drink only tea after dark." Roman licked his lips, _remembering his line_ , "Lemon Ginger is plenty to keep me up all night." Janus feigned burning his tongue in an attempt to hide nearly choking on his espresso. Roman reached across the table, placing a hand over Janus' arm. "Are you alright? Too hot?"

 _Oh, is that what we're playing this evening? Very well ..._ Janus smiled, briefly catching his lower lip between his teeth before murmuring, "Oh, Beautiful, I like it hot."

Roman hummed, running his fingers lightly over Janus' arm. "Then it looks like you're in the right place." He sat back and lifted his tea with both hands, blowing gently at the hot drink before taking a slow sip, eyes peeking out over the edge of the tea cup.

Every gear in Janus' brain ground to a halt. He sat for several moments, lips parted, watching Roman sip his tea before he could think again. _How is this the same blushing man from that supply closet?_ "How are you the same blushing man I gave my card to?" _Fuck, Janus, where's that filter?_

Roman smiled at Janus, moistening his lips with his tongue before he spoke. "I just needed a bit of time to think about what I wanted." Roman reached out again and touched Janus' arm. Janus could barely think as he felt the heat of Roman's hand bleed through his sleeve.

 _Control!_ "Oh?," Janus breathed. He sipped his espresso to disguise his wavering voice. "And what is that, Beautiful?" He sounded strained to even his own ears. _Control, control, control._ "What do you want?"

Roman took Janus' hand and stood, pulling the other man to his feet. "I want ...," Roman leaned in, pressing his body close to Janus' and whispered in his ear. Janus' eyes widened and all control was gone.

"Let's go then."

...

As soon as they got through the entryway to Janus' apartment, Janus pressed Roman against the door as it closed. "We're here," he murmured, slowly kissing him.

Roman kissed back before breaking away, "So ... just one night? You're not going to catch feelings for me and in a week profess some undying love, then?"

Janus slowly shook his head, hands running from Roman's shoulders to his hips, piercing him with his gaze. "I don't do 'love.'" _Anymore._ "But I do a lot of other things ... "

 _Just do it, Roman. Be bad for once in your sorry life._ "Show me," he whispered.

...

The morning after, Janus woke early. Before he had even opened his eyes, he became aware of the unexpected warmth and reassuring weight of Roman still laying in his arms. Ordinarily, when someone spent the night - and not just the evening - in his bed, he would awaken curled on his side away from him, or sprawled on his back. It had been years since Janus had awoken with someone in his arms.

Typically, mornings like this were filled with hurried, awkward excuses and Janus would focus on getting whoever he'd spent the night with out of the door so he could have his space again. This morning, however, Janus felt no urgency to have this wonderful man leave his arms. He didn't want to think to too much about what that might mean. Instead, he drowsily ran a hand over Roman's chest, a smile playing across his face.

That's when Janus noticed that Roman's body had shifted slightly and his breathing pattern had changed. It sounded to Janus that he was awake. Janus drew Roman a little closer as his early morning voice came out as a low growl, "Are you awake, Beautiful?"

After a few moments, Roman rolled over to face Janus. Janus' happy smile dissolved as he looked into green eyes filled with tears. The sight of Roman's tears made something deep inside Janus' heart crack. As ice formed in his chest, Janus carefully wiped away the man's tears, "Oh, no, Roman, what's wrong?"

Roman swallowed and then sighed, shaking his head. He wouldn't meet Janus' eyes. "Just a nightmare."

Janus kissed his forehead and ran a tentative hand through Roman's hair. "Would you like to talk -," Roman shook his head before he could even finish the question. All Janus could think about now was to try and figure out how to bring a smile back to this lovely man's face. Roman lay very still in Janus' arms.

"How about some coffee?," he asked at last.

Roman looked up in surprise, "I ... I could use a cup."

Janus imagined he could almost see the hint of a smile. "Then I will make us some coffee." He ran his fingers one more time through his silky auburn hair, and Roman closed his eyes. Janus kissed his eyelids and whispered, "I'll be right back, my dear." Roman watched as Janus rose and pulled on the black robe that was hanging on a hook by his door. He looked away before Janus could see him watching.

Roman had not been asleep when Janus first woke. He'd felt Janus' arms tense slightly and the deep breath he took as slumber fell away. He'd felt Janus start to lightly stroke his chest where his arm was draped over it. And he'd felt the growing hardness pressed against the small of his back.

Last night, Roman had _thought_ that he wanted to experience the abandon of a purely physical relationship, to enjoy being with someone simply on a physical level, without getting caught up in messy ~~heartbreaking~~ emotions. He'd _thought_ that all he wanted was to just lose himself and feel nothing but physical pleasure.

Roman had been wrong.

Lying there in Janus' arms that morning, he'd felt ... empty. Alone. He didn't want to just have the physical part of a relationship - which had been great - but it wasn't nearly enough. Roman had been surprised when he'd felt tears start to drip down his cheeks. _Fuck, great, now you're crying in your hookup's bed. Great job, Roman._ _Just ... make some excuse and get the fuck out of there._ _Go get some coffee and try to forget this whole awful night._

That's when he'd rolled over, ready to say that he had an early class and had to leave. Frankly, he hadn't even expected Janus to look at his face long enough to notice he'd been crying, nor did he expect the gentleness with which the man had wiped away his tears.

As Roman lay there, he could hear a coffee grinder and a few notes of whatever song Janus was humming. This was a mistake. _Get out, Roman. Don't take his pity coffee. Just get the fuck out._ Tears starting anew and a flush of shame burning on his face, Roman climbed out of Janus' bed and quickly dressed.

Janus was pouring the coffee when he heard the bedroom door close and footsteps behind him. He smiled. "Roman, do you take cream or sug - ," The front door slammed as Janus turned around, speaking to an empty room.


	8. Speculation

"And if we pick up from there with _Times v. Sullivan_ , that could provide us - " Janus stopped mid-sentence as he caught sight of Roman from across the crowded Student Union. Logan had been mapping out their outline for the next month's presentation and only looked up when the long silence made it obvious that Janus hadn't simply paused to think. He followed his friend's gaze and saw Roman walking away from them with a group of friends, evidently headed toward the Coffee Haus. Janus sat frozen in his seat, staring at Roman, the longing and pain in his eyes almost palpable.

"Janus," Logan was tentative. "May I inquire as to what happened between the two of you?"

Janus quickly looked away from Roman, carefully papering over his features with his usual, almost arrogant expression. "We had a _lovely_ evening together." They both looked up as they heard Roman laugh at something one of his friends must have said. Janus' façade momentarily cracked, a wistful almost-smile playing across his lips as though just the sight of Roman laughing made Janus a little bit happier. And, just as quickly, it was gone. "Nothing happened. It was just a date," Janus muttered, "I'm fine," he insisted, shaking his head and reaching for another case book.

Logan's eyebrows knit together as he looked closely at Janus. "I apologize. I am clearly pushing the boundaries of our relationship beyond your comfort level." He cautiously patted Janus' arm before picking up his pen and resuming his notes. "Please forgive me," he added quietly.

Janus sighed heavily, shaking his head. "No. Dammit, no, you're right. Logan, you’re right.” He reached for Logan’s arm and sucked in a deep breath. “ _I'm_ sorry." Janus lifted his coffee cup, tugging at the edges of the paper sleeve. He sighed again. "I've bled in your kitchen. I've held your son." He met Logan's eyes and made little air quotes. "We're there." Janus took in another deep breath and sat back in his chair. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find a unifying thread through the mess of feelings that were swirling in his chest.

Logan sat quietly, ready to listen, but giving Janus the space to think through what he wanted to say.

"When I ... When I asked Roman out, I made it - " Janus grit his teeth and tightened his hands into fists, "- _painfully_ clear that I wasn't interested in anything beyond that one night with him."

Logan tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. "What caused you to be certain enough to have made that kind of declaration before you had even gone out?"

He laughed humorlessly. "Oh, I've been gifted with your typical villain backstory," Janus said, rolling his eyes mockingly flashing jazz hands. "In high school and through some of college, I was in a ... rather serious relationship. We thought ... " he grimaced, disgusted with his younger self. "We thought we were _soulmates_ , bound together forever." He stared at hands, eyes softening momentarily with the memory before his jaw tightened and his mouth drew down into a scowl, rubbing the knuckles of one hand with the other. "It ended ... badly." _Yeah, like the fucking Hindenburg had a rough landing_. He sighed again, shoulders slumped.

"After that ... well, I'm not _celibate._ I date." Janus tried to smile but it looked more like a wince. "I've never lacked ... company when I've wanted it. But I have never _, ever_ wanted to feel that way again. That ... _loss_." _Loss of control, loss of love, loss of ..._ Janus shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He swallowed hard, one arm wrapped around himself, the other pressing a fist against his mouth.

There was silence for several minutes before Logan spoke at last. "And so by holding people at arm's length, you can ensure that no-one will ever get close enough to hurt you again," Logan met his eyes. "Even when that means you end up alone."

Janus stared back at Logan. _Damn. He just gets right to the point sometimes, doesn't he?_ "You know, there are times that your tact can be a _little lacking,_ Logan."

Logan shrugged, refusing to look away. "Am I incorrect?"

Janus stared for a moment before finally letting out a long sigh. "No. You're not." Logan's eyes crinkled at the corners as though he were smiling. Janus struggled to keep a smile from his own face. "That doesn't mean I have to like it, though," finally breaking, a tiny smile playing across his lips.

"So ... about Roman?," Logan prompted, taking a sip of his coffee.

"You're like a dog with a bone."

Logan shrugged and adjusted his glasses. "You will appreciate that when it is time to cross-examine our opponents' witnesses in moot court," he said, smiling gently.

Janus sighed heavily, eyes trailing over to where he last saw Roman walking into the Coffee Haus. He swallowed against the pain in his throat. "I made such a production about not wanting something serious. What right do I have to be ... _surprised_ that he just left in the morning ... " _Without even a goodbye._ Janus looked down into his coffee cup as though Roman could be hiding inside it. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Roman's just doing what I said I wanted of him."

Logan looked thoughtful. "People can change their minds. While I have not had the same kind of _personal_ interactions as you have had with Roman," Logan smiled as Janus huffed out a small laugh. "I see how he behaves with the children and their families at the childcare center. That says a great deal about the core of a person's character." Janus raised an eyebrow at this. _Does he really have no idea how much of his inner self he reveals when he's with this family?_

Logan continued, "Roman is a good guy. Even if he is not interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with you, I suspect he will go out of his way to be kind ... And you cannot actually know that he is _not_ looking for something more ...," Logan looked pointedly at Janus, "Unless you speak with him."

...

"See you later, Roman!," Debbie called behind her, dragging Nate along, giggling.

"Until tomorrow, Milady!," Roman bowed deeply, "Good sir!," he added with a gentile nod to Nate. Roman smiled as he watched the two walk down the hall and back toward the exit. As soon as they were out of sight, he turned to unlock his dorm room door and his smile fell from his face. Once inside, he shoved his keys back in his pocket and leaned heavily against the door, sighing ... until that reminded him of Janus, at least. He quickly straightened, reaching out and flipping on the light switch.

"If I'd _wanted_ the light on, I would’ve _turned_ it on," Remus voice drawled from the corner of his bed.

"Holy fuck, Remus!" Roman shouted, jumping back against the wall. "You scared the hell out of me!"

Remus shrugged and peered at Roman. "I know why _I_ was moping in the dark. Why were _you_?" Remus stretched himself across the length of his bed on his belly, getting closer to Roman. "And you sounded downright _peppy_ out in the hall ...," Remus narrowed his eyes at Roman. "Why are you only pretending to be fine in front of your friends?" Roman was silent. Remus rested his chin on his arms and swung his feet in the air behind him, staring at his brother.

Roman went to his bed and kicked off his shoes. He sat on the mattress, back against the wall, drawing his knees up and under his chin. Remus' eyes followed his every movement, waiting him out. Remus drew out a long dramatic sigh, motioning for Roman to speak.

Roman rolled his eyes, but finally, "Do you remember that date I had a few weeks ago?"

" _Do I_?" Remus' eyes lit up. "Are you finally ready to dish?" Remus mocked eating popcorn.

"Ha, ha," Roman muttered. He drew himself up a little straighter, "A gentleman never kisses and tells."

"A gentleman doesn't get fucked on the first date, either, so ..." Remus waggled his eyebrows and made suggestive hand gestures.

Roman whipped out his arms in frustration, crying "You see, this is _why_ I don't tell you anything!"

"Ro, I'm sorry." Remus would rather see his brother angry with him than sad, but if he pushed too hard, it was game over. "I'll listen, I promise."

Roman stared at Remus for a few moments, daring him to ... be himself. Satisfied that Remus meant it - at least for now - Roman began. "So the date. As you know, I spent the night. We, " Roman gestured vaguely, hoping Remus would not make him say it out loud. Remus nodded and Roman smiled gratefully. "And it was ... " Roman let out a gust of air. "It was _really_ nice." He risked a small, blushing smirk at his brother. "You were right about Law School boys." Remus winked and smiled salaciously but kept his word to be silent.

"So ... the next morning - " Just thinking about that morning made Roman's throat tighten and his eyes burn. Roman sniffed, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.

Remus' eyes grew dark and his limbs seemed to tighten like springs. He couldn't stop his question, "What did he do to you, Ro?"

"Nothing bad ... that's just it." Remus relaxed slightly, listening carefully. "He - he caught me crying," Roman admitted at last. Remus rolled off his bed and crossed the distance between the two of them, carefully sitting next to his brother.

"Why, Ro?," Remus gently asked.

Roman sighed, fidgeting with his nails, 'I hated what happened. I mean ... I wanted it _when_ it happened. He didn't _make_ me do anything I didn't want to do." Roman chewed at the inside of his cheek. "I just ... I didn't want that to be ... all there was."

Remus nodded, thinking about his own morning realizations in the past. "What did he say about that?"

"I lied." Roman swallowed, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "I ... I told him I'd had a nightmare." Roman thought about the soft look in Janus' eyes that morning. _God, what a creep I am._ "He went to the kitchen and I got dressed and got out of there." Roman turned to Remus. "I didn't even say goodbye." Remus put one arm around Roman's shoulders and squeezed. Roman leaned in for a minute and then stood up.

"Do you remember Damian from junior year?" Roman started pacing the length of the small room.

"That fucking closet case who outed you to Coach Patrick?" Remus cracked his knuckles. "Yeah, I remember him." _I remember the sound his nose made when I broke it._

"Well, before all that happened. When it had been just me and him ... it was really special. I miss that sweetness, that ... softness, you know? Not just ..."

"Fucking?," Remus finished.

Roman collapsed on to Remus' bed, arm flung across his eyes. "Well, yeah!"

"I want more than just _that_. I wanna be romanced. I want to go dancing and serenade my love and I want him to - " _I want him to hold me and make me coffee in the morning._ Roman scrubbed at his eyes. He was tired of crying over Janus.

Remus scoffed. "You know fairy tales aren't real, right, Bro? If they were, we'd still be the happy Marson twins living in a cul de sac in Ohio."

Roman sighed, turning to his brother. "It doesn't have to be storybook perfect. I'm not looking for Westley, the swashbuckling Dread Pirate Roberts. Just Westley the farm boy. Just ... a little bit of sweetness."

Remus laid back onto Roman's bed and stared at the ceiling. _A little bit of sweetness sounded nice._

Both brothers looked up at the sound of knocking at their door. They exchanged a look. Roman shrugged, looking at the time on his alarm clock. "It's probably for you."

Remus stood and answered the door. "Remus?" Roman could hear a low voice ask.

"In the flesh," Remus responded, holding out his arms and swishing his hips from side to side. Roman could hear the voice but not the words ... but he could imagine. He rolled his eyes and covered his face with what he belatedly realized was Remus' pillow. _Right, I'm still on his bed._ Roman got up and laid down on his own, reaching for a book from the edge of his desk.

"It's a _lovely_ offer, but I'm afraid I have other plans tonight. Maybe some other time?," Remus replied, starting to close the door after the visitor mumbled something Roman couldn't hear. "Good night!," Remus said brightly.

"So who is tonight's lucky man?," Roman asked once the door closed, not looking up from his book.

Remus took a running leap at his brother, crashing onto him and knocking his book to the floor. "You are, Ro Bro! Wanna go see what's playing downtown?"

Roman laughed, "Sure, why not ... just don't kill me first, ok?" Remus grinned and leapt to his feet, dragging Roman along with him.

...

Hours later, the brothers came stumbling back to their room. Remus clutching their half-empty ten gallon bucket of popcorn while Roman ranted about the movie. "But how can they just have her fall in love and marry him after he was so ... _creepy_ all throughout the movie!" Roman kicked off his shoes and emptied his pockets. "She's a _Senator_ and used to be the Queen of an entire fucking planet! How could she fall for Mr. I'm-So-Damaged-I-Hate-Sand-But-I-Love-You-And-Oops-Did-I-Mention-the-Genocide!?"

Remus laughed as Roman went on and flopped onto his bed, popcorn spilling over the side of the tub. Suddenly Roman fell silent, mouth slack, staring at his phone. Remus looked up, tilting his head. "What's up Ro Bro?"

Roman held out his phone. "He called."

Remus jumped up, a grin growing on his face. "Wait, 'he' he? The guy?"

"Yeah. That's his number." Roman's eyes were wide and he held the phone like it might dissolve into mist in his hands. "Why do you think he called?"

Remus shrugged, "Maybe he's got gonorrhea and is calling all his conquests." Roman nearly tackled him until he saw his own hope reflected back in Remus' eyes. "Maybe he wants to know why you didn't say goodbye."

"Should I call him?" Roman sank down into his desk chair, phone still gripped in both hands. He looked up at Remus. "It's kind of late."

Remus licked his lips, eyes bouncing around the room while he thought. "Text him."

Roman's eyes grew even wider in a panic. "What do I say?"

Remus met Roman's eyes, "Do you trust me?" Roman looked at his brother, eyes wide, holding his breath.

"Fine, you do it. I can't." Remus nodded, swallowing, and took the phone.

"You didn't save his contact?," Roman shrugged while Remus rolled his eyes, quickly tapping keys with his thumbs. "What's his name again?"

"Uh, Janus."

Remus cackled, "Oh, right ... J- anus." He paused, biting his lip for a moment. "Ok ... ' **hey saw u called - i was at a movie** ' and _send."_

Roman and Remus stared at the phone, willing it to make a sound. After a minute or two it pinged. Remus read the message aloud. " _' **Don't let me interrupt, have fun on your date**_ '- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Um... ' **only if you count my brother as a date** ' and _send._ "

Remus chewed his thumbnail. _Don't fuck this up for Roman._ Roman looked up at him, eyes wide. The phone pinged again.

" _' **Ah ... I hope you had a pleasant time, then**.'" _The brothers sighed in unison. The phone pinged again. "' _ **What did you see?** ' _Ro, I don't know about this guy ... he's using _punctuation_." Remus mocked a disgusted shudder.

"Oh, shut up and gimme the phone!," Roman cried, holding out his hand.

Remus grinned and returned the phone. Roman just held it for a moment, reading the words on the screen. He nearly gave it back to Remus. _What if I screw this up?_ Remus got closer to Roman and crouched down in front of him, putting a hand on his knee. "You're not gonna fuck this up. Just be yourself."

Roman scoffed and muttered, "Get out of my head."

Remus grinned again. " **Never** , Ro Bro." Remus stood, ruffled Roman's hair, which caused Roman to nearly drop the phone in his rush to repair the damage. Remus pulled out his shower caddy as Roman started tapping out a message. He looked at Roman over his shoulder, smiling. "You good here?"

Roman nodded, "Don't go too far?"

As Remus closed the door on his way to the shower, he heard Roman's phone ping and Roman's chuckle as he read the message. "Never, Ro, never."


	9. Argumentative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: threatening behavior, suicidal ideation

Logan could hear Remy crying as soon as the elevator doors started to open on his floor. He didn't wait for the doors to fully open, sliding between them and sprinting down the hall to his apartment door, already retrieving his keys from his pocket.

He entered the apartment, turning around quickly to lock the door behind him. The apartment was dark. He could hear Remy crying in his room, so he went to him first.

He breathed out in relief at the sight of a crying Remy standing in his crib. "Remy, Remy, sweetie, yes, that was scary. You're safe, you're safe ...," Logan pulled him and his Blue stuffie out of his crib, drawing out the 's' and 'f' sounds in his words. "You're safe, you're safe ... " Logan kissed the side of his head and felt how hot his skin was. His eyebrows knit together. "Oh, I see, yes, let us take your temperature, shall we?" Rocking and rubbing Remy's back as he walked, he went to the bathroom cabinet to retrieve a forehead thermometer. "Hm-hm, you're safe, you're safe." Logan's brow furrowed when he saw the screen flash red and read the 102.9° on the small screen. He tucked the thermometer into his pocket.

"Ok, Remy, yes, yes, yes, " The shushing sound seemed to be helping and Remy's cries were softening into a little whimper. "Let us get some medicine into you. That will help you." He was retrieving the child-proofed medicine box from the kitchen when the relative quiet was broken by Kelly's voice behind them.

"What the hell are you doing, Logan? We're supposed to let him self-soothe back to sleep."

Logan continued to rub Remy's back and turned to Kelly. "When I came home, Remy was crying inconsolably in his crib. I picked him up and felt how warm he was, so I checked his temperature." Logan retrieved the thermometer from his pocket, pressing a button to show the last reading and handed the device to her. "He has a fever, so I am going to give him some Motrin."

"Well, aren't we all lucky that _Daddy_ is finally home to save the day." Kelly crossed her arms in front of her chest. "How was _I_ supposed to know he was crying because he had a fever? I thought he just wanted to be picked up. _Your book_ said we're supposed to let him cry it out."

Logan focused his eyes on the bottle of Motrin as he carefully measured out the dose before replying. "That is intended for infants and only for a few minutes at a time. The Ferber method can be traumatizing for children this age and is contraindicated," he said quietly.

Logan flinched as Kelly slammed the thermometer onto the counter, cracking it. She hissed at him. "God dammit, Logan, do you always have to be such a sanctimonious know-it-all!"

Logan swallowed hard but didn't respond, and instead administered the Motrin to Remy. He looked into Remy's eyes and saw he was looking drowsy, but his eyes were fairly clear and focused. It looked to Logan like sleepiness and not some other loss of consciousness. Logan nestled Remy against his chest and continued to rub his back, rocking back and forth.

"Fine. Just ... just keep him quiet, alright? I'm exhausted and I have an early meeting in the morning with an East Coast client." Kelly stormed off, slamming the bedroom door behind her. Logan picked up the cracked thermometer, testing it against Remy's forehead and his own. He nodded, satisfied that it appeared to still function and returned it to his pocket, rocking Remy against his chest.

...

Several hours later, Kelly kissed both Logan's and Remy's cheeks as she sidled past where he sat with Remy drowsing in his arms. It was nearly time for another dose and Logan didn't want him to have to wake from a full sleep in order to take it. "I'm sorry I was so crabby last night, Logie. I was just feeling really run down. I think I might be coming down with something." She made a pouty face, "You forgive me, right?"

Logan nodded, pressing a smile on his face. "Of course, Kels. Good luck with your meeting this morning. And I hope you feel better - " The door closed before he heard a reply.

After Kelly left, Logan checked the time again and gently roused Remy. "Remy, sweetie. Time for more medicine." He measured the dose and squeezed the liquid into Remy's cheek, watching carefully to see that he swallowed it all and none spilled. Logan looked into Remy's eyes and smiled, relieved to see that his son's eyes were less glassy than when he had first come home. "There, that last dose helped you feel a lot better. This one will, too." Remy nodded sleepily. "Let us get you into bed."

Once Remy was settled, Logan quietly left the room, leaving the door open a crack so he would hear Remy if he stirred. He quickly dialed Janus' number, hoping not to wake him, but wanting to be certain to catch him before he left for class.

Janus' voice growled, "Hello?"

"Ah, good morning, Janus, I - " Logan cleared his throat and pressed his hand against his forehead. "I hope I have not woken you."

"No, no, you're fine. You're just the first person I've spoken to this morning." Logan could hear Janus' coffee grinder in the background. He started a pot in his own kitchen. "Not that I mind the chance to chat, but was there something you needed?"

"Yes, I am sorry to call you like this, but I will not be in class today and will not be able to meet you in the library to study, either. Remy has a fever. Would ... " Logan's voice faded. He wasn't even sure what he wanted to ask.

Janus was quiet on the other line for a moment. "Logan, you don't sound ok. Is everything alright? I mean, I get that Remy is sick, but is he ... "

"No, no, Remy will be fine, I am certain." Logan sighed when he spilled some of the coffee grounds on the floor while he scooped them into the filter. He put down the canister and retrieved a broom and dustpan. "Remy's fever is below 103 and he is responding well to Motrin. He's resting comfortably right now. He simply cannot attend daycare with a fever, so I need to stay home with him."

"Well, that's good news, I suppose." Janus quickly replied. He waited for Logan to speak again. After a few quiet minutes, he finally asked again, "Logan, are _you_ ok? You don't ... sound quite like yourself."

Logan fingered the cracked thermometer in his pocket and winced. He opened his mouth to reply before pressing his lips back together. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. "I am fine. It has simply been a long night."

"I imagine so. At least Kelly is there, you can take turns staying up with him. You know, tap out ..." Janus' quiet chuckle died when he heard the silence from Logan in response.

"Yes, yes of course," Logan said at last. Janus put down his coffee cup and frowned. "I should let you go, Janus. Thank you. At least today is Friday ... Remy should be ready to for daycare again by Monday and we can resume our standard study schedule."

"Wait, Lo-" Janus paused. Logan clearly did not want to talk about what was really bothering him. _Maybe he really is just tired. I mean, he's running at a sleep deficit all the time anyway, pulling an all-nighter can't have put in him in a good place._ "Logan, please call me if there's _anything_ you need." Janus gripped the phone and he could almost picture Logan pushing up at his glasses in the silence. " _Please_."

"Of course, Janus. Thank you for the offer. I ... I do appreciate it. Goodbye, Janus." The phone went dead in Janus' hand. Janus placed his phone back on the counter and sipped at his coffee. There was something in Logan's tone that ... Janus shook his head. He'd been up late texting Roman. Maybe his head was just fuzzy from a lack of sleep, as well. He drained the rest of his cup, popped it in the dishwasher and started preparing for the rest of his day.

As Janus picked up his phone, he had an idea. He opened the text conversation with Roman from last night. He bit his upper lip, considering. Finally, he tapped out a message. ' **Would you like to meet for lunch today?** ' Janus took a deep breath and sent the message. Gripping the phone, he went back to his bedroom to get ready for class.

...

The Quad was busy and loud with students enjoying the warm spring air. There was a Frisbee game surrounding the big ginkgo tree, and someone had left up the May Day maypole just a few feet away from it as well. With his tree so surrounded by the chaos, Remus decided to sketch in the library. He liked the library. If you asked, he'd reply that he wasn't a fucking nerd about it, but it was quiet and peaceful. And when the light was right, it was perfect for sketching. People stopped moving so much when they studied and he could capture their confused frowns or sudden insights as they worked. He'd been there for hours.

His morning had not gone well.

Remus couldn't stop thinking about what Roman had said about wanting something more, wanting something _sweeter_ than just ... well, than just the _fucking_ he did. Roman's words last night had echoed some of the thoughts that Remus couldn't chase away over the past few months. Hearing them echoed back at him through Roman just galvanized it all.

So, Remus had started his day with a mission. He was going to ask someone out. _Properly_ ask them out. Not for a hookup, not for something rushed and hurried and momentary. _Something with a little bit of sweetness_. He'd started with the barista at the Coffee Haus who had flirted with him.

_"Say, what time does the hottest barista around here get off work?," Remus had murmured, gaze bouncing between the man's lips and his eyes. "I'd love to buy you lunch, hear about your day ... "_

_The man had smiled back, sliding a napkin and a pen across the counter. "How 'bout I call you when I do?"_

_Remus had grinned, allowing one tiny eyebrow waggle, and scrawled his name and number on the napkin, and at the last second adding a little heart. He slid the napkin back across the counter. The barista picked it up, reading what he'd written. Remus saw the moment the barista's smile tightened. "Oh, Remus."_

_Remus had pretended not to understand. "I know, I know, I get mistaken for Brad Pitt all the time ... "_

_The barista had laughed awkwardly, the sound grating on Remus' ears. "No, well, you know ... I thought you were - "_

_" Roman," Remus muttered._

_The barista carefully folded the napkin and put it in his pocket. "I'll ... give you a call sometime, Remus."_

_Remus forced a brittle smile onto his face, "Yes, looking forward to it," and he'd walked away without this order._

Similar scenes repeated three times that day. Remus' thoughts had started to spiral. _Three more fucking times._ _Three more fucking times that guys were perfectly happy to talk to me - actually talk to me - as long as they thought I was **Roman**_.

So Remus had decided to hide in the library and sketch.

The sun had shifted and was now streaming directly into his eyes, so Remus sought out a new corner. He wandered the stacks of the library for a while, until he found himself in the even quieter law section. He hummed softly, feeling knots of tension in his shoulders just fizzle away. _This will do nicely._ He wandered a bit more, scoping out the perfect spot.

That's when Remus saw him. He was just an otherwise ordinary law student, sitting at a table surrounded by open case books and notepads, pen scratching across the paper as he wrote. Remus' breath caught in his throat. Remus was sure he'd seen him around before and he was ... well, he was _beautiful_. Not airbrushed beautiful like a super model, but this man _glowed_. Remus watched the way his eyes danced between his books and he saw the tiny smile that emerged when he found the passage he was hunting for. Remus felt like he could _hear_ the man think and all he wanted to do was lay his head in the man's lap and listen to him talk.

And the way he held himself ... He didn't slouch over his books the way a lot of students did. Spine perfectly straight, poised ... breathtaking. Remus opened his sketchbook where he stood and started drawing. After a few minutes, the man then turned in his chair, reaching for a book on the far side of his table and Remus noticed that he had a rather large scar across one side of his face. Remus knew that might be a turn off for some people, but he was just captivated. _This man's got a story and I want to hear it._

Remus had to talk to him.

Remus closed his sketchbook, gathered his courage and approached his table. He sat down across from him, resting his chin on his hand, just watching him work. The man looked up at him for a microsecond, still scrawling furiously, trying to capture a thought on his notepad. Janus flashed a happy smile, "Oh, hello, Roman. You're early. I'm nearly done, then I'm all yours, my dear."

_Roman._

Remus felt something inside him shatter.

His ears started to ring. His arms itched and his vision darkened on the edges. _It's always Roman. Always, always, always, fucking **Roman**._ Remus remembered, Roman had told him he was meeting Janus for lunch today. Remus squeezed his eyes shut. _At the fucking library._ Before he even understood what he was doing, Remus leaned over the table, reaching out and grasping his hand. Janus looked at Remus' hand and cooed, "Oh, Roman, have you been biting your nails?," then looked up and peered closely at Remus' face. Suddenly Janus' eyes widened and he stood up abruptly, the chair scraping across the floor. He took a step back and swallowed, eyes locked on Remus'. Finally, he said, "Interesting."

 _So this is the mystery guy._ Remus slowly licked his lips, briefly capturing his own bottom lip between his teeth and staring back into Janus' eyes as he sauntered around the table toward him. He smiled, eyebrows raised, reaching out his hand toward Janus' chest. "What's interesting, Babe?"

Janus glared and grabbed his wrist before Remus could touch him. "Interesting that Roman didn't mention his brother was a _twin_."

Remus forced a small laugh, smile growing brittle, "What are you talking about? It's _me_ , Babe. We texted all last night ... " He moved closer as Janus matched his movement, stepping back to maintain space between the two of them until his back was pressed against a bookcase. Remus rested his free hand against the shelf closest to Janus' head and leaned close, boxing him in.

Janus could feel adrenaline surging through his veins. He looked around him, planning an escape. _Sweep his legs then twist his wrist around behind him ... Duck below his arm and push him into the bookcase ... Knee to his groin, elbow to his nose, then run ... Now, now, Janus. Roman probably wouldn't like it if you broke his brother. Use your words ..._

"You are **not** Roman." Janus said through gritted teeth. Still gripping his wrist, Janus used his other hand to carefully but firmly press against his shoulder, preventing Remus from getting closer. Janus swallowed, watching, ready for whatever he had to do.

_'You are **not** Roman.'_

_A thousand disappointed faces flashed through Remus' mind._ Remus continued to try to press in, "Oh, boo." Remus pouted and then winked. "It looks like you're stuck with me, the evil twin instead!" His voice was oddly-pitched and _sharp_. "Hmmm," he hummed, breaking into a full-body shimmy and watching how Janus' arm started to shake. "Wanna find out just how identical we really are?"

Suddenly they heard Roman's voice. "Oh, you got tired of waiting for _me_ so I guess my brother will do, huh?"

The sound of Roman's voice seemed to break Remus from his trance. His ears filled with static and he jumped away from Janus. He looked from Roman's face, tears forming in his eyes, to Janus' as the man sagged slightly against the bookcase, relief pouring off of him. Remus sank down on the edge of the table. _Oh my god, what the fuck am I doing?_

Roman ran off and Janus was quick to follow. "Just go away, Janus," he called behind him, not stopping. "You told me who you were and what you were looking for the day we met. I was just too stupid or foolish or sappy to believe that I could somehow be special enough to you to change that."

"Roman, _please_ stop and listen to me." He reached out for Roman's hands, carefully turning him until they were face-to-face. "I am not _at all_ interested in your brother. I was pushing him away."

"Ok, now I _really_ don't believe you. How could you _not_ be interested in him? He's got that whole Freddie Mercury sex machine vibe going on." Roman pulled one of his hands free and flipped his hand in the air. " _He's_ the one everyone wants to be with."

"I simply don't find him attractive in that way, Roman."

"How can you _not_ be attracted to him?" Roman's face burned in shame as he felt tears fall. "Aren't you attracted to me? We're _**identical**!_"

Janus slowly shook his head. "Not to me, my dear," he whispered, caressing Roman's cheek and gently brushing the tears from his face. "Not to me." Janus looked into Roman's eyes. "It's right _there_ ... in your eyes." He brushed his thumb against Roman's lips. "And your mouth." Janus then traced Roman's eyebrows, then followed curve of his temple. "And here, too." Janus met Roman's eyes again. "Your differences are obvious to me."

Roman stared into Janus' eyes, hunting for the tiniest hint of duplicity. And all he could find was honesty and concern and ... something warm and sweet and tender. _A little bit of sweetness._ Roman felt tears spring to his eyes again and he pulled Janus closer, kissing him softly. Janus reached up, fingers threading through his auburn hair as Roman wrapped his arms around him. After a few minutes, they broke apart, foreheads pressed together, each of them a little breathless.

Janus closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of him, as he slowly carded his fingers through Roman's hair. Reluctantly, he murmured, "Will you come with me, my dear, to get my notes? Then we can go somewhere to talk ... perhaps before we _both_ get lost in this?"

Roman nodded, feeling a smile spreading on his face. _As you wish._

...

Remus watched as Janus chased after his brother. He felt sick as the sour burn of _guilt_ ate through his flesh. He closed his eyes and all he could see was Roman's tears and the _fear_ in Janus' eyes. _He_ had caused that. _He_ had put that fear there. _What kind of monster am I? I'm now the kind of guy who just fucking tries to assault men in libraries?  
_

_They don't need this shit from me. They don't need me. They need Romans. Everybody needs Romans. The whole fucking world needs Romans._

_What the world doesn't need is me._

Remus snatched a pen and a Post-it from the table and scrawled out a note. He grabbed his sketchbook and left the library.

_..._

When Janus and Roman returned, Remus was gone. In his place was a bright yellow note:

> _I'm sorry. For everything._
> 
> _-Re_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more  
> 800-273-8255  
> [Suicide Prevention Lifeline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)
> 
> Text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line  
> [Crisis Text Line Website](https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/)


	10. Relevance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This may be a difficult chapter. If you wish, please see end notes for a spoiler-filled plot summary of this chapter.
> 
> CW: intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, limited discussion of a plan for suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more  
> 800-273-8255  
> [Suicide Prevention Lifeline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)
> 
> Text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line  
> [Crisis Text Line Website](https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/)

The music blasting out of Remus' headphones was loud enough to hear from a few feet away.

_I hear the same old talk, talk, talk_   
_The same old lines_   
_Don't do me that today_   
_Yeah, if you know what's good for you, you'll get out of my way_   
  
_'Cause I'm crazy and I'm hurt_   
_Head on my shoulders_   
_Going berserk_

As if that wasn't enough to hear him coming, Remus was also singing along at the top of his lungs.

_I won't apologize_   
_For acting outta line_   
_You see the way I am_   
_You leave any time you can_   
  
_'Cause I'm crazy and I'm hurt_   
_Head on my shoulders_   
_Going berserk_

Remus had left his note, grabbed his sketchbook, and ran from the library. And just started walking. He walked all around the edge of campus. Through the giant parking garage, around the dorms, past Greek Row. _Go ahead and just give me an excuse, you fucks. I'd love to draw a little homophobic blood_ _tonight._ The frat boys kept their distance. _Too bad._

The music stopped for a moment and the full force of Remus' inner voice broke through.

_you fucking **monster** why are you still here you're not Roman **you** fucking monster you don't matter you're **not** Roman you **fucking** monster you're not **Roman** you fucking **monster** you don't matter you're not Roman you don't matter you **fucking** monster **you're** not Roman why are you still here you fucking monster you're not **Roman** you don't matter you fucking **monster** you're not Roman **you** fucking monster **you're not Roman**_

The next song started to play and Remus sang along.

_If you wanna make a move then you better come in_   
_It's just the ability to reason that wears so thin_   
_Livin' and dyin' and the stories that are true_   
_Secrets to a good life's knowing when you're through_

Remus suddenly looked up and around for the first time in a few hours. He was on East Pike standing in front of a Bartell Drugstore. It wasn't a great block, with a half-way house on the corner and tiny a tattoo parlor two doors down. It didn't matter to Remus. The drug store would have what he needed. He stood outside until the end of one song and the next song started. He didn't sing this one out loud - he knew they would probably throw him out for singing "Mommy's Little Monster" inside _Washington's Favorite Drugs._ Remus laughed. _Yeah, I don't need your fucking drugs. Just your blades._

Remus marched toward the door, reaching out to pull open the old-fashioned door when a woman wrapped in a blur of purple and green came barrelling out, calling over her shoulder. "See you later, Grace! Thanks a lot! Give the kids a hug from me, ok?" She turned and ran right into Remus, knocking him off his feet, sending his sketchbook flying, pages scattering.

"Oh, fuck, kid, I'm so sorry. Here let me help you up." She put down her bags and grasped Remus' hands, pulling him to his feet. She put a firm hand on either of his arms and sought his eyes. "You alright, kid? Anything broken?" He shook his head, looking down, and that's when they both noticed his sketches. He scrambled after them and she joined, carefully gathering them together.

When every loose page was gathered and re-captured in his sketchbook, the woman looked at Remus again, smiling. "How's that for an unexpected adventure?"

Remus looked at her for the first time. She was about a foot shorter than he was, with a riot of purple and green curls, a round, soft body and warm, calloused hands. She wore a long, purple velvet skirt with a matching vest and a black tank top. Her arms were covered in tattoos. He mumbled, "Yeah, thanks, ma'am," and started back toward the drugstore doorway.

The woman looked at him for a second, squinting her eyes, "Hey, kid," Remus turned back to look at her. "You wanna give me a hand with my bags? Then you can come inside and get your drawings organized better so they don't get creased on your way home." Remus looked down at the sketchbook in his hands and looked back at the door to the drugstore. "C'mon," she murmured, pulling at his arm and reaching for one of her bags, placing it in his hand. "I'm right here," she said, pointing to the tattoo parlor. Remus looked down at the bag already in his hand and shrugged.

"Sure."

She picked up the rest of the bags and led Remus toward her shop. "My name's Arizona. What's yours?"

"I'm Remus."

Arizona smiled, "it's very nice to meet you, Remus." She swung the door wide, "Come on in."

Remus stepped into the tiny shop and stared at the pictures of tattoos covering every wall. Arizona stepped in behind him and smiled. "My wife and I opened this shop over ten years ago. We've been around for a while." She looked closely at Remus under the bright lights of the shop, taking in his muddy shoes, long sleeves that seemed too warm for May, chewed fingernails and lips, bloodshot eyes. "Wanna put that bag on the back counter for me?"

Remus nodded, bringing the bag where she directed. He stopped in front of the counter, getting a better look at the tattoos pictured on the wall. Some were tiny, little hearts or musical clefs. A lot of butterflies, a couple of tiny pride flags. Only one tramp stamp. _Respect_ , he thought. Then were the ones that could only be described as full-body canvas _art_. Giant dragons wrapped around castles, galaxies, elaborate elven action scenes. "Are these all _your_ work?," he finally asked, turning back to Arizona.

She smiled and nodded, "Like I said, we've been around for a while." She stood next to him and pointed at a picture of a moon bursting apart that covered one man's entire back, debris spreading across his shoulder and down his arm. "That one is my favorite."

Remus leaned in to get a closer look. He could see where at first it looked like a monochromatic black-white-grey palette, he now spotted yellows and blues and purples. He nodded, turning to meet her eyes for the first time. "I can see why. It's amazing." She smiled proudly. Remus looked back at the wall. He pointed to one of a photo-realistic inking of Mount Rainier, but done in shades of green. It looked three dimensional. "I really like that one."

Arizona chuckled, "You've got quite the eye, kid. That's my other favorite. I did that one last week." She stood next to him, looking at the photos for a few more minutes. "Hey, I was going to have a sandwich after shopping - are you hungry? I've got plenty to share." The mention of a sandwich made his stomach growl audibly. Remus blushed, but Arizona just gripped his shoulder, grinning. "That sounds like an enthusiastic yes." Remus looked back at her, blush slowly fading. "Come and sit with me."

Remus hesitated, eyes drawn to the door, thinking about the drugstore and the sharp, shiny blades that he knew were only a few dozen yards away. But Arizona's smile was so inviting and he _was_ hungry. He wasn't sure what time it was now, but it was getting dark and he'd last eaten ... Remus thought for a moment. He'd left behind his order at the Coffee Haus that morning. He hadn't actually eaten yet today.

"Do you eat cheese?," Arizona asked him, unwrapping a sandwich and placing it on one side of a little table she'd pulled out from the corner of the shop. Remus nodded and sat down.

She opened a little fridge and gathered a few soda cans and placed those on the table, as well. She unwrapped her own sandwich and looked up at Remus with a bright and gentle smile, "Guests eat first, go on."

"Thank you," he mumbled as he picked up the sandwich and took a bite.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. When Remus finished his sandwich in just a few bites. Arizona wordlessly pulled out another from her bag and placed it in front of him. He stared at it for a moment before unwrapping it and biting into it. As his chewing slowed, Arizona kept her gaze on her own sandwich and asked, "How long have you been drawing?"

Remus swallowed and took a sip from his soda can, then shrugged, "Forever? Drew as a kid ... just never outgrew it." Arizona hummed and nodded. She took another bite of her own sandwich as an invitation for Remus to keep talking. "I just really like it," he said at last, shrugging.

"From what I saw, your work is pretty extraordinary." Remus blushed and looked down at his hands. "I'm sorry, kid, I don't mean to embarrass you." She looked around the shop. "Art's a big part of my own work. I've seen a lot." She looked up, seeking his eyes and smiling. "Your work is special."

Remus scrubbed at his eyes and started bouncing he knee, shaking the little table. He forced his heel down flat on the floor and finished his second sandwich. He fiddled with the wrapping, tearing off little pieces. Arizona had finished her sandwich, as well, and she sat back, sipping at her drink. "Will you help me clean up here and then show me more of your work?" Remus looked up in surprise. He had expected that sentence to end differently, thinking he must have already long overstayed his welcome in this nice woman's shop. He nodded slowly, carefully gathering together the pile of paper bits he'd created and reaching for Arizona's sandwich wrapper.

After a few minutes, the table was clear and wiped down and Remus retrieved his sketchbook from the counter. "Give me just a moment, I want to wash my hands," he heard Arizona say. Something in one of the tattoo photos drew his attention. He leaned in to get a better look at the Mount Rainier tattoo. Close up, Remus could see that the skin under the tattoo was scarred, with the lines of the mountain camouflaging the long scars on the subject's arm. Remus rubbed the inside of his own arm, staring at the photos. Now that he was looking for it, he noticed a few other photos where the subject had scars underneath their new tattoos.

"I didn't know you could tattoo over scars," Remus said to Arizona before he could stop himself. He clamped his mouth shut looking back at the photos, eyes wide. _Fuck._ _You're not supposed to talk about that, Remus._

Arizona walked over to Remus, drying her hands with a paper towel. She looked at the photos. "Sure. It takes work and planning, but, yeah, I've had more than a few clients ask for tattoos to cover scars they're not proud of. A few have even gotten tattoos that showcase their scars, too." She stood quietly next to Remus, feeling him fidget next to her.

Remus had started to rock back and forth a bit and she could hear that the pace of his breathing had increased. She waited. Finally, Remus shoved his sleeve up past his elbow, showing Arizona his own scarred arm and bursting out, "Could you cover these?"

Arizona turned to him, meeting Remus' eyes with a small smile, before reaching toward his arm, "May I?" Remus nodded and she gently cupped the back of his outstretched arm in her warm hand and examined the long, healed scars tracing the length of his arm. She looked up at Remus again, nodding. "Yes, yes I could."

Remus swallowed and yanked his sleeve back down. He stared down at his shoes, biting at his lips. "You were going to show me your work?," Arizona prompted.

He looked up in surprise. "You - you still want to see my drawings?"

Arizona's smile broadened, "Of course, kid! Let's see 'em!"

They both sat back down at the little table and Remus started pulling out sketch after sketch. Arizona looked at each one, holding some up to the light to better see the pencil strokes. "Oh, I _really_ like this one," she said, holding up a large sketch of the ginkgo tree.

"Yeah, I like that one, too." Remus paused but continued when Arizona looked up at him., "I started coloring it ...," he licked his lips, trying to force himself to stop talking, but could feel the words start to bubble up and he couldn't stop the flow. "That tree gets these really cool yellows and oranges when the light hits it right. And when the sun comes out after a good rain, the whole thing looks like it was dipped in glitter. The trunk was really tricky, because up close it's really rough and you can see bugs and moss and just bits of stuff all over it, but when you're just a few feet away, it looks smooth and perfect. The leaves sound like rain when the breeze blows through them and it's just the best place in the world to draw." Remus ran out of breath and looked up, expecting to see Arizona looking bored - or worse, annoyed. Instead she was nodding along, looking from him to the sketch. He grinned, then looked down at the rest of his drawings.

The next sketch drew out a low whistley breath from her. "Wow ... you didn't finish this one but the lines here, and what you're starting to do with the shadows ... it's ... Remus, this is stunning." Remus looked up and paled when he saw her holding the sketch of Janus that he'd started earlier that day. He slouched down in his chair, wrapping his arms around himself.

Arizona put down the drawing once she saw how he was sitting. "This one is more than just a drawing to you." Remus stared down at the floor, knee bouncing, arms pressed tightly against himself so that he wouldn't scratch at his scars. He swallowed against the growing lump in his throat and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from escaping. _Too late_. He could feel his cheeks growing wet but he wouldn't look up. Quietly, Arizona brought her chair inches from Remus', turning it so she could face him. She reached out and put one hand on Remus' shoulder, rubbing soothing little circles. She held out her other arm in invitation. Eyes still squeezed shut, he could feel how close she was and he launched himself into her arms. Twisting his fists into the back of her vest, hiding his face in the crook of her neck, Remus sobbed. Arizona wrapped her arms tightly around his back and rocked him slowly back and forth, humming quietly.

They sat like that for a long time. Remus couldn't say how long, but Arizona held him long after he was empty of tears and his breathing became regular. Finally, she whispered to him, "What can you tell me, kid?"

Remus pulled back to look at her face. Arizona met his gaze, that tiny gentle smile still there. He leaned into the hug again, wanting to make it last just a little while longer. _She won't want to hug me anymore once I tell her what I did._

And then he told her. Remus told Arizona _everything_. He told her about Roman and how he would watch people's expressions crumble when they learned they weren't talking to the "good" brother. He told her about his hookups and how he'd felt just like Roman had after his own one night stand and then had felt even worse when he'd realized it was his fault. When he realized that Roman was hurting because his brother had been following _his advice._

And he told her about Janus.

"And so after I wrote the note, I started walking and ... now I'm here." He turned his head, not wanting to see one more disappointed face but still not willing to lose the warm arms wrapped around him. That's when it sunk in that she hadn't pushed him away yet. Arizona was still holding him tight, rubbing his back. He swallowed, somehow feeling more tears start to form.

After several minutes, she tightened her arms around his back. She then reached up and rubbed the back of his head and asked, "Do you have a plan?"

Remus wanted to say 'a plan for what,' but he knew what she was asking. He nodded instead, "I ... I did."

Arizona nodded and hummed against Remus' shoulder. "Bartell's is closed now, though, huh?"

Remus was quiet for a while. "Yeah," he whispered at last.

Arizona didn't let go. She just kept rubbing his back, rocking. "Do you want to let your brother know where you are?"

Remus shrugged. "Doesn't matter where I am. Not after everything I did."

"After everything, you're still his brother. It matters where you are." Arizona pulled away just a bit, gently cradling the side of Remus' face, turning so he would face her. " _You matter_."

Remus looked down. "You really believe that?"

"I _know_ that you matter, Remus." He swallowed hard, wiping away fresh tears. "Do you need a phone?" Remus shook his head, reaching into his pocket for his own phone.

Remus held the phone in shaking hands for minute before he pressed a few buttons and raised the phone to his ear.

 _"Remus?! Remus!? Oh my god, are you ok?"_ Roman had picked up on the first ring, his panicked voice warbling over the open line. Remus opened his mouth but no words would come out. _"Remus, Remus ... Are you there?"_ Remus looked at Arizona and shoved the phone into her hands, tears filling his eyes, shaking his head.

"Roman, honey, Remus is safe." Arizona reached out to grip Remus's hands twisting in his lap. "Remus is safe. My name is Arizona. I'm here with him right now. He's safe. I'm going to put you on speaker now, ok?" Remus nodded, eyes fixed on the phone.

 _"Yeah, yeah, of course, thanks."_ Arizona and Remus could hear a muffled sound, as though Roman had covered the phone and was talking to someone else in the room. Roman's voice rang through the phone again. _"Remus? Remus can you hear me?"_ Remus could hear that Roman was crying.

"Yeah, " Remus' voice cracked. "Yeah, Ro Bro, I'm here,"

_"Re, where are you?"_

Remus looked up at Arizona, trembling lips pressed together. She nodded. "Remus is here with me in my shop on East Pike. We're a few blocks from campus."

Roman sniffled over the line. "Re? Re, please come home." There was another muffled sound before Roman continued. "Please, Re. I ... I was so scared that ... ," Roman's voice cut off again.

Arizona met Remus' eyes, a question in her eyes. Remus nodded. "Yeah, Ro, I'm coming home." Arizona pointed to herself, mimed a steering wheel and then pointed to Remus. Remus nodded again, slumping down. Arizona leaned over, gently pulling Remus toward her, hugging him with one arm while she held the phone up with the other.

"Roman, honey, I can drive Remus home to you." She set the phone on the table and reached for a small notepad and a pencil. "Can you tell me where you are?" She started scratching out the address. "Hm-mm ... ok, we'll be there in about twenty minutes."

...

"Thank you, thank you, see you soon." Roman ended the call, dropping the phone in his lap. He clasped his hand over his mouth, holding back a sob of relief, tears flowing down his face. Janus was sitting next to him in the brothers' dorm room. Roman met Janus' eyes and nodded. Janus pulled him closer into a little hug, rubbing his shoulder.

"Where has he been?," Janus murmured.

Roman shook his head, He removed his hand. "I don't know, she didn't say."

"She?"

Roman nodded and shrugged, "Remus was with somebody. She did most of the talking. She's driving him here now." Roman stared at nothing for a moment. "Oh, my god, Janus. When we couldn't find him ... I thought ... I thought he ...," Roman started sobbing again. Janus wrapped both arms around him.

"He didn't. He's ok. He's ok." Janus stroked Roman's hair, whispering, "He's ok."

Janus held Roman, rubbing his back and whispering a shushing sound into his hair until his sobs quieted into silent tears. "Roman, my dear," Janus began gently. Roman looked up and together they dried his tears. "It ... it might be best if I wasn't here when Remus arrives."

Roman opened his mouth to protest, gripping Janus' hands tighter as Janus pointedly met his eyes. Roman's shoulders sagged and he sighed shakily. He closed his eyes and swallowed back his argument. Finally, he nodded, "You're probably right. I - ," He looked up at Janus, eyes searching. "I - wish ... "

Janus cupped his cheek, "I know, my dear, I know." He held Roman's face with both hands and kissed his forehead. "Please call me later. After ... ?"

Roman nodded, hands covering Janus'. "I will." Janus stood to leave and Roman reached out for his hand one more time. "Thank you, Janus. I - I don't know how I - how I could have managed tonight without you here."

Janus brushed the back of his fingers against Roman's cheek and lifted his hand, kissing it softly. "There's nowhere else I would've wanted to be tonight." He bent over to kiss Roman's forehead one more time. Roman suddenly looked up, reaching for Janus' face and kissed his lips. When they broke apart, Janus took a deep breath and cleared his throat, "I'll wait for your call, my dear."

...

A few minutes later, there was a knock at the dorm room door. Roman leapt up to open it. Remus stood on the small mat, looking down at his shoes, biting his cheek. Arizona stood just behind him and to the side. Roman stared for a moment, looking Remus up and down, convincing himself that he was whole and really standing there. Roman flung his arms around his brother, squeezing tight. Remus stood still for a moment, hands frozen by his sides until he wrapped his arms around Roman's waist and buried his face into Roman's shoulder, shaking. After a few moments, Arizona reached up and gently placed a hand on each of their shoulders. "Let's go inside, boys" they both turned to look at her. "We've got some stuff to talk about."

Roman held open the door while Remus and Arizona filed inside. Roman closed and locked the door behind them. Remus stood for a moment, looking around the room, before sitting on the edge of his bed. Roman walked over and sat next to him. He held out his hand toward Remus, palm up. Remus looked down at his brother's hand, then up into his eyes, tears filling his own. Remus grabbed Roman's hand and held it tight. Arizona watched them for a moment, then pulled over Roman's desk chair to sit in front of them both.

"Roman, it's nice to meet you face-to-face. I'm Arizona. I have a tattoo shop on East Pike. I was lucky enough to run into your brother today."

Remus and Arizona then took turns telling Roman what had happened that evening, starting from when Remus left the library.

"So ... your note ... ," Roman whispered, eyes wide, "was ... _your note._ " Remus looked down at their intertwined fingers. He held his breath and nodded slowly. Remus closed his eyes, afraid to see the anger he expected from his brother.

Roman's chest heaved. Arizona reached out and pressed a hand firmly on his knee. She met Roman's eyes and then looked pointedly at Remus. Roman took a deep breath and turned Remus' chin toward himself. "Re, look at me." Slowly Remus opened his eyes. "Re, no." Remus' eyes opened wider. "No, you don't get to leave me. You promised." Remus met Roman's eyes. "We promised each other when we came here. No matter what, remember?" Remus' mouth trembled but he didn't look away. "You matter too much to me. I can't lose you."

Remus finally spoke, "Even after - ,"

"Even after," Roman said firmly.

Arizona let them sit together in silence for a few minutes. Finally, she cleared her throat and both brother's eyes turned to her. "Remus, you got through a crisis tonight. You're going to need more than a couple of cheese sandwiches, though, to help make sure won't things get this bad again." She looked over to Roman. "From what I gather, honey, it wouldn't hurt for you to get some help, too."

"My neighbor's son goes here. I know the student health center has therapists and prescribers, if you need it." She smiled at the two brothers, pulling out her phone. "Got a pen? I've got some names and numbers for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the library, Remus wanders for hours, blasting punk music to try to force away the intrusive thoughts making their way into his mind. He finds himself outside of a drugstore with a plan to get what he needs to die by suicide. A woman with purple and green hair, arms covered in tattoos, leaves the store just as he tries to enter. She knocks him over, sketches flying. Her name is Arizona and she runs the tattoo shop down the street.
> 
> Arizona recognizes something in Remus and invites him into her shop under the guise of helping her with her bags. She feeds him, and they bond over the tattoo art all over her shop. Remus shows her his sketches and he breaks down when she admires the sketch he started of Janus. He tells her what happened and she convinces him to call Roman to let his brother know that he's safe.
> 
> Arizona drives Remus back to the dorm. Roman has been panicked and worried for Remus since seeing the note he left. Janus has been keeping Roman company, trying to comfort him. Janus leaves after they learn Remus is safe, but before Remus and Arizona arrive.
> 
> Remus and Arizona tell Roman what happened and the brothers reconcile. Arizona then gives both brothers info from the student health center so they can get more help than she can give in one night.
> 
> **We don't all literally run into a guardian angel named Arizona when we need her most. These folks can help.**
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more  
> 800-273-8255  
> [Suicide Prevention Lifeline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)
> 
> Text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line  
> [Crisis Text Line Website](https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/)


	11. More Prejudicial Than Probative

Two weeks later, Roman and Remus were sitting together in their dorm room. Roman sat at his desk, re-reading the same page of his psych textbook for the third time. Remus was laying perpendicularly on his bed, feet propped on the wall, marking out a pattern with the edges of his shoes. Both turned at the sound of a knock at the door. Roman looked at Remus. "That's probably him. Ready?" Remus flipped around to sit at the edge of his bed and rubbed his hands on his thighs, pushing his heels into the floor so his knees wouldn't bounce.

He nodded, "Yeah." Remus worried his lip between his teeth as Roman opened the door.

Roman smiled and felt that familiar little flutter when he saw Janus in the doorway. "Hi," he murmured, as Janus leaned in to kiss his cheek. Roman cleared his throat. "Why don't you come in?"

He stepped just inside the room and Roman closed the door behind him. Remus stood and thrummed his fingers against his palms, staying at the far end of the room, giving Janus plenty of space. "Hi, Janus."

Janus bowed his head fractionally in a greeting. Remus couldn't read the expression on his face. Janus remained close to Roman but kept his eyes trained on Remus. "How are you feeling?," he asked evenly.

Remus shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself from picking at his nails. _How am I feeling? _"Um, better?" His mouth worked, but no more words came out at first. "Yeah, better. Arizona hired me at the tattoo parlor." He shrugged. "And ... in therapy." He looked down at his feet, scratching at his slowly growing mustache and chewing his bottom lip again.

Roman reached out for Janus' hand. "We're really glad you came here today." He turned to his brother, "Remus?"

"Right," Remus took a deep breath. "I've already apologized to Roman, but I owe you an even bigger one ... I - I am, " Remus squeezed his eyes shut for a second, "Janus, I am so sorry." He let out a shaky breath, lowering his head. "I ... didn't realize _who_ you were at first. I had just ... wanted to talk to you. And ... when I saw you were waiting for _Roman_ ... " Remus shook his head again. "I lost it." He looked up to meet Janus' eyes and saw that he was listening intently. "I ... I have no excuse. I shouldn't have ... " He looked down again, clenching his teeth in an effort not to start crying. He forced himself to look up and meet Janus' eyes again. "You didn't deserve to feel unsafe or ... and I'm sorry."

Janus closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, focusing on the warmth and gentle pressure from Roman's hand in his own. He opened his eyes. "Apology accepted, Remus." Janus looked at Roman for a moment before continuing. "You matter to Roman." He met Remus' eyes. "And Roman matters to me." He tried to ignore how he could _feel_ both brothers react to that small statement. "It is important that _we_ find a way to move past this."

Remus felt his whole body unknot at Janus' words. "Thank you."

Janus took another breath and narrowed his eyes at Remus. "There _is_ something you should know, though." He glanced at Roman, who was watching him with questioning eyes. "I showed restraint that day solely _because_ you are Roman's brother." Remus saw a hint of fire in Janus' eyes and Roman just stared. "Had you been anyone else and _behaved_ that way ... You wouldn't have left that library on your own two feet."

Remus chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "Oh, yeah?" He eyed Janus. "You don't really look like a bruiser." He winced and smiled. "You kinda look like a nerd. A _hot_ nerd, but still a nerd." He crossed his arms with his hands in fists, tilting his head too far to one side. "You know ... I've had to kick the shit out of a few of Roman's ex-boyfriends." Roman huffed, but looked anxiously between the two of them. "Never had to knock around a current one before. You really think you can take me?"

"Remus, what the hell are you doing?," Roman hissed.

Janus smiled slightly and looked at Roman, as though for permission. Remus noticed and grinned. "What, you gotta ask _Mom_ first before you can play outside?"

Janus's smile grew and he released Roman's hand, stepping closer to Remus. He held his arms open, palms up. "Very well." He gestured around them. "It's your room. You get the first shot."

"Um," Roman tried to interject, "I _really_ don't think that's such a good idea, Janus."

Roman jumped back as Remus moved forward suddenly, aiming to punch Janus' side, right below the rib cage. Before his fist could connect, Janus grabbed Remus' extended arm and swung his leg around, sweeping Remus' legs out from under him. Remus went down hard and Janus caught his chest right before he hit the floor, and pinning Remus' left arm against his side and twisting his right arm behind his back. Remus was left hovering just off his knees, leaning far forward, with Janus standing over him, iron grip on his wrist and chest the only thing preventing Remus from smashing his face into the floor. Roman stood at the far side of the room, stunned.

"Are we done?" Janus murmured in Remus' ear.

Remus laughed, " _No fucking way_ are we done! Let's go down to the frat houses and crack some homophobic skulls together!"

Janus smiled crookedly as he helped Remus up. "Perhaps when I'm properly dressed for the occasion."

As he stood, Remus leaned in close to Janus' ear and whispered, "Use any of those moves on my brother and I'll kill you in your sleep."

Janus stepped back, still gripping his hand. He met Remus' eyes and clapped his other hand on Remus' shoulder, then bowed his head slightly, "I would expect nothing less."

Remus' phone began to chirp. "Oh, man, I gotta go."

"Therapy?," Roman asked, eyes fixed on Janus, trying to figure out what he had missed in that interaction.

"Yup, then I'm off to Arizona's." Remus stuffed his keys, wallet, and some pencils into his pockets and grabbed his sketchbook and therapy notebook. "I'll be back around 9."

Roman nodded, "Ok. Will you text me when you get to the shop?"

"You bet, Ro Bro ... ," Remus promised as he left the room. "You two have fun while I'm gone. But don't do anything I wouldn't do." He turned back, one hand on the door. He looked carefully at Roman and then quickly at Janus. "Actually, you know what, that's a _really_ short list. Maybe you shouldn't - ,"

"See you later, Remus!," Roman prompted him in a sugary-sweet voice.

Remus grinned, "See you dorks later!," pulling the door shut behind him. Roman and Janus looked at each other in the sudden vacuum of energy left in Remus' wake.

"Hi," Roman said again, scratching his jaw and looking down at his feet.

"Hello, my dear," Janus murmured, stepping forward, closing the distance between them.

Roman swallowed and licked his lips. "I - I think this is the first time we've truly been alone since ... ," he tilted his head toward the door and gestured vaguely with his hands. Janus reached up and brushed Roman's hair away from his eyes, nodding.

"I believe you are correct." He let his hand linger, gently running his fingers through Roman's hair. Roman's eyes closed at the sensation, and he let out a little sigh, leaning in just slightly to meet Janus' touch.

"Two weeks is a long time," Roman added, a little breathless, forcing his eyes open. Janus nodded again, moving closer still, setting his other hand on Roman's waist. He slowly edged his hand around until his fingers were splayed on the small of Roman's back.

"So I 'matter' to you?," Roman whispered, eyes seeking out Janus'.

Janus smiled. "Oh, Roman, my dear." He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. "More than you could possibly know." Janus drew Roman closer, lifting his head and meeting Roman's eyes again. Roman felt like he was staring into a flame and was finding it harder to catch his breath. "How much time do you have for me to show you how much?," Janus whispered at last.

"Not nearly enough," he muttered, finally pressing his lips against Janus' mouth. Janus' eyes widened in surprise and then closed as he returned Roman's kiss.

...

Far, far too quickly, they were interrupted by Roman's phone buzzing in his pocket. The pair had stumbled their way over to Roman's bed and were laying tangled together on top of the once-neatly made bedding. Roman broke away from the kiss, groaning sadly. "That's my alarm. I'm about to turn into a pumpkin."

Janus hummed, shifting forward and pressing gentle kisses against Roman's neck, "Hmmm ... it's not pumpkin spice season, but that sounds _delicious_ to me," Roman laughed, sitting up. Janus followed his movement, stealing one more open-mouthed kiss before leaning back against the wall. Janus reached for his hand, kissing first the back, then turning and cradling Roman's hand in his palm, leaving a line of kisses from his fingertips to his wrist. Roman closed his eyes for a moment before standing.

"If I don't leave now - "

"You'll never want to leave?," Janus' voice was so low he growled.

Roman laughed, "I'll be late." He grasped Janus' hands, pulling him to his feet. "But that, too," he finally admitting, winking and blushing at the same time. "Will you walk with me?," Roman asked as he gathered his keys and wallet.

"Gladly."

...

Janus walked with Roman to his shift at the childcare center. Just before Roman went inside, Janus pulled him in for one last kiss. "Can I see you tonight?"

Roman leaned against him, whining slightly. "Hmmm... I wish I could say yes, but I've got one more set of finals tomorrow." He bit his lower lip, "Tomorrow night?"

Janus nodded, feeling a molten heat in the pit of his stomach. "Tomorrow night it is." He traced a line from Roman's cheekbone and down his jaw and shuddered. "But you should go now before I try to find a way to keep you here longer." He raised both eyebrows at Roman, "Call me tonight?" Roman nodded and quickly sprinting up the path and into the childcare center.

Janus watched him go, thinking about tomorrow night.

"I take it things are going well with you and Roman?," Janus turned at the sound of Logan's voice. Logan was grinning widely.

Janus laughed quietly. "Due in no small part to your nudging, I assure you."

"It is not my doing that compels him to look at you the way he does." Logan exclaimed, laughing and shaking his head. "All that credit lies with you."

Janus looked back the way Roman had left, a small smile tugging at his lips. "It's all him. He's incredible." Janus' eyes grew darker for a moment as he dragged a hand through his own hair. "This is a lot. In all honesty, I feel as though I'm navigating uncharted waters with Roman." Janus sighed, then shook his head. "And his brother ..."

Logan frowned. "Brother? I was not aware Roman had a brother."

Janus blew out a long breath, nodding, looking back toward the center. "Does he ever." Janus shook his head. "But that's a story for another time.” Janus turned to Logan again. "Are you here to get Remy?"

Logan nodded, noting the rest of the conversation that Janus had also just avoided. "He started extra early today. The mornings have been a little _rough_ lately, so I've been dropping off Remy earlier than usual."

"'Rough'?" Janus' brow furrowed as he looked more carefully at Logan. "Anything I can help with?"

”Oh, no, not _bad_ rough, just ... ," Logan's voice trailed off. He looked to the ground, swallowing, and then back again at his friend. "Kelly is ... Well, we're expecting another baby in February."

"Oh, my God, man!" Janus grinned and clapped Logan on the back, pulling him in to a one-armed hug. "Congratulations! I didn't know you were trying for another!" Janus finally caught Logan's stunned expression and his eyes widened. "Oh, I'm sorry! That's an awfully personal assumption - I mean -."

Logan laughed gently, shaking his head. "It is quite alright. Yes, this _has_ come as a bit of surprise, but it is going be a good thing." Logan nodded, the smile growing on his face. "Remy will have a sibling. And things will im - we will find a new ... routine."

Janus narrowed his eyes at his friend. _What is he not saying?_

Logan clapped his hands together, "In the meantime, though, we need to finalize our plans for tomorrow's presentation. It would likely be easier in-person." He looked at the childcare center again. "Would you mind terribly if I brought Remy with us this afternoon? I have some toys in my bag and - "

Janus lightly touched his shoulder. "I'd love it, Logan."

...

Remus stood outside Arizona's tattoo shop, texting Roman. " **hey Ro Bro. I'm here, queer and hope you didn't fuck your boyfriend on my bed :-P** _"_ He was tucking the phone back into his pocket when it chirped. He pulled it back out to read " ** _don't be gross. love you_** " Remus grinned and put his phone away before walking in.

Arizona looked up briefly and smiled at Remus. "Hey there, kid! Pull up a chair once you put away your stuff and wash your hands." She looked down at the ink pots arranged in front of her. "Cathy's back and ready for her new design."

"Yes, ma'am!," Remus loved the shop. Though he hadn't realized it at the time, the shop had been closed for the evening when he'd met Arizona. On a typical night, it was bursting with activity. Arizona had two other artists in addition to Remus, plus her wife Jamie would often help out with bookings.

Fifteen minutes later, Remus was tracing out the markings for a tattoo on his client. She was anxious, so Remus tried to put her at ease. "What do you do, Cathy?"

She smiled, "My friends and I co-founded a video game studio over in Bellevue." She shrugged, "I'm a programmer."

"No fucking way, that's so cool!" Remus grinned, swapping out one marker color for another. "How did you get into that?"

She shrugged, "When I was your age, I _lived_ in the computer lab on campus." She looked down at the growing design on her arm, grinning. "Are you in school?"

Remus nodded, leaning over her arm to get the right angle. "Yeah, I haven't declared a major yet. Haven't really clicked with anything but, well, this," gesturing at the drawing on her arm.

"What are you grades like?"

He shrugged, "They're okay." Arizona cleared her throat loudly and gave him a look. Remus rolled his eyes and blushed. "Ok, I have 4.0."

Cathy looked at Remus through narrowed eyes, clearly assessing him. Remus shifted in his seat, thinking he had a new appreciation for what the octopus at the aquarium felt like. "Have you ever taken any programming?," she said at last.

 _That wasn't what I expected._ "No. Math, botany, philosophy ... " He looked down and shrugged, blushing again. "Undecided major, you know?"

Cathy smiled at Remus."You should try a programming class. You might like it."

"Yeah, I dunno." Remus shook his head. "The comp sci kids are all on a whole other playing field."

"Everybody should at least try it. Hundreds of years ago, most people couldn't read and write. Can you imagine telling someone not to take an English class or learn to read just because they don't want to be a novelist? Programming's the same thing."

Remus squinted at her and could see the sincerity in her eyes. He shrugged, going back to his drawing. "Why the fuck not? I'll try anything once."

...

"Just try it, Logan."

Logan stood in front of a mirror, carefully tying Janus' tie around his own collar. Janus was holding a sleeping Remy, watching Logan with a small surprised smile. "So you can tie a tie but you don't actually own one?"

Logan adjusted his glasses and frowned slightly at his own reflection. He opened his mouth to respond but closed it again, focusing instead on the next step in the Windsor knot he was working on.

"There," Janus said once Logan had finished. "Now that's a much more professional look for our presentation." Janus winked. "They do expect us to dress the part or trial lawyers." Logan looked down, blushing a bit, the last traces of his frown leaving a shadow on his face.

Logan cleared his throat as he inspected himself in the mirror. "Thank you, Janus. I appreciate your assistance."

Janus shook his head, looking at the rest of Logan's typical preppy ensemble. "I still don't understand how guy like _you_ doesn't own a single tie."

Logan frowned again, before finally admitting. "I ... I used to wear them rather frequently." He looked back at his reflection, smoothing the already neat tie. "Kelly doesn't like them. She thinks the only people who wear ties in Seattle are servers and receptionists."

Janus looked skeptical. "You can't deny that this is an improvement. You should keep it," Janus examined Logan's reflection. "This blue looks better on you than it ever did on me."

Logan looked down, "That is very generous of you, however - "

"Your wife won't 'let' you have a tie?"

Logan paled and looked down. "No. No, no, of course not, what I mean is ... " Logan muttered, fidgeting with his watch. Janus' eyes widened slightly, thinking about what Logan was hiding under that strap, but he quickly looked away. _Another topic we're avoiding._ "Remy would undoubtedly spill something on the tie and ruin it."

Janus narrowed his eyes at his friend. _I just don't buy that Father of the Year thinks he can't stop his well-behaved son from damaging a tie._ Logan met his eyes for a brief second before looking back and smiling a bit at his own reflection, straightening the tie. _There's so much that he won't talk about._ "Well, we can't deny that it suits you." Logan smiled - _sadly? -_ at Janus. _Hey, Pot, are you really going to fault your friend Kettle for playing his cards close to his chest?_

"If taking the tie home is not an option, I'll simply bring it with me whenever we have a presentation together." Gently, so he wouldn't disturb either Remy nor Logan, Janus gave Logan's shoulder a little bump with his own. He winked and smiled at Logan in the reflection. "Merely to ensure you wouldn't lower our shared grade, of course."

Logan smiled, then his forehead creased suddenly, "I apologize, you have been holding Remy all this time. Is he getting heavy?"

Janus smiled, "I really don't mind." Janus gently rubbed the sleeping Remy's back. "He's just a little cuddle bug like this." Logan grinned and let out a low laugh. "You're mocking me! This feels like entrapment," Janus muttered, only half jesting.

"No, no, I am not laughing at you." Logan sighed happily. "I was thinking about how Roman said nearly the same thing last week."

"Oh," Janus said, feeling a flush growing on his face. _Oh ..._

"I am quite glad to see that the two of you have ... reconnected," Logan began carefully, starting to undo the tie. "You seem so much happier. You both do."

"Really? You really think Roman's happier?" Janus' smile grew when Logan nodded. "I've been feeling ... ," Janus sighed, his smile slowly fading. "I've been feeling _conflicted_." He met Logan's eyes. "Roman's wonderful and ... When I'm with him, I feel things that ..., " Janus closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I feel things that I thought I could never feel again. Feelings that I thought had died." Janus tried to blink back the tears that had started to form in his eyes. Logan snatched a box of tissues from Janus' table and swapped the tissues for Remy. Janus met Logan's eyes. "What happens if everything goes wrong again?"

Logan cautiously gripped Janus' arm, gently shaking his head. "I cannot answer that." He drew his eyebrows together and tilted his head at his friend. "But I can ask _you:_ what happens if everything goes right?" Janus closed his eyes again, brow furrowed. Logan sighed quietly. "Janus, are you _happy_ with Roman?"

Janus opened his eyes and a smile bloomed on his face. "Yes. Happier than I've been ... In a very long time."

Logan nodded and smiled, rubbing Remy's back as he started to wake. "And do you wish to see Roman happy?"

"It's all I want."

Logan stared at Janus with a growing smile, eyebrow raised. Janus met his eyes and sighed, slowly nodding his head. "Yes, yes, yes, fine! You can rest your case, Barrister." Logan laughed quietly. Janus smiled back, eyes bright. "Thanks, Lo."

Janus' phone started to ring. Retrieving it from the table, Janus smiled when he saw Roman's number on the caller id. Logan met his eyes, "Roman?" Janus nodded. "Remy and I will head out," Logan said, smiling, gathering their bags. "See you tomorrow, Janus." Janus waved and closed the door behind him as he took a deep breath. He answered the call.

"Hello, my dear ... "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Wow, this Cathy person seems oddly specific and there's no OC tag for her._  
>    
> Cathy Saxton is a real person and a co-founder of [SuckerPunch Studios](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sucker_Punch_Productions), the folks behind the Infamous Games, the third of which has the most realistic depictions of Seattle weather I've ever seen in any media.  
>   
> Her opinions on the importance of everyone learning a bit of programming are borrowed from other similar Seattle-based developer communities.


End file.
